Humor #647

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip.

His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline (an area where Canadian tourists frequently visit) when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He drove closer to see what it was. Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a Montreal Canadiens hockey jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark!

At that moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys, roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark’s ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Montreal fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They then bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach.

After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, “I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred in your country between the fans of the Leafs and the Canadiens, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and companionship that could serve as a model on which other countries, like this one, could follow.” He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, “Who was that?”

“That,” one answered, “was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God’s wisdom”.

“Well,” the harpooner replied, “he doesn’t know a thing about shark fishing!! Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?”

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Humor #397

Snarky Quotes

You can do anything if you want it bad enough. That is why we see so many people who can fly. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs. (Richard Doty, Washington)

Never say die. I’ve tried, and it doesn’t actually make people die. (Tom McCudden, Durham, N.C.)

Never underestimate your ability to overestimate your ability. (Donna Lewis, Vienna)

Laughter is the best medicine, but in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

You have to learn to crawl before you can grovel. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you’re probably the executioner. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Every dog has his day. Of course, his day consists of smelling other dogs’ bottoms. (Mark Briscoe, Arlington)

You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. But he probably isn’t going to be interested in some frog-kisser. (Amanda Richards, Palatine, Ill.)

Aspire to greatness. But remember that no one ever assassinated a refrigerator repairman. (Bird Waring, New York)

A high tide lifts all boats, except those with a big gaping hole in the bottom.

There are none so blind as those who have been in an accident at a fertilizer factory. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

You can run but you can’t hide, except apparently along the Afghan-Pakistani border. (Bob Wallace, Reston)

Say not that honor is the child of boldness, nor believe that the hazard of life alone can pay the price of it; it is not the action that is due, but to the manner of performing it. You got all that? Me neither. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Every failure is a step to success up a ladder that will eventually collapse under the weight of all those failures. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Humor #396

Puns

It started to rain and Noah said, “Now I herd everything.” (The International Save the Pun Foundation)

The moonshiner artist excelled at “still” life. (Jumble)

A drunk was hanging on to a lamp post for support when an old lady walked by and asked, “Why don’t you take a bus home?” The drunk replied, “My wife would never let me keep it!” (Carl Franklin)

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it. (Myrrdins)

Most weight lifters are biceptual. (Norm Gilbert)

A famous math professor picked up the phone, trying to dial for pizza, and heard: “The number you have just dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try your call again.” (John Nunley)

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The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back. “Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???”

“Not a bit,” the husband replied. “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”

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Funny Book Authors

“Home Maintenance”….by Duane Pipe

“Growing up in the Balkans”…..by Hugo Slavia

“Irish Winter Tales”…..by Pete Moss

“Increase Your Brain Power”….by Sarah Bellum

“Looking Into the Wishing Well”….by Eileen Dover

“How to Write a Mystery Novel”….by Page Turner

“Winning Big”…..by Jack Potts

“Vacation Spot in the Tropics”….by Sandy Beech

“I Always Enjoy the Darkness”….by Gladys Knight

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A client called to report an accident and asked if her insurance rates would go up.

“Our underwriting department determines that,” I replied. Then I asked for her license plate number. Verifying her information, I said, “NMF? Is that ‘N’ as in Nancy, ‘M’ as in Mary, and ‘F’ as in Frank?”

“Well … yes,” she said. “But could you please tell your underwriters that it’s also ‘N’ as in Not, ‘M’ as in My, and ‘F’ as in Fault?”

—–

After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn’t start because it was out of gas.

A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.

The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn’t open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger’s gas tank.

Wearily I walked back to the station. “You know,” the attendant suggested helpfully, “instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here.”

—–

A grandfather was going by his little granddaughter’s room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.

“What are you doing?” he asked her.

She explained, “I’m saying my prayers, but I couldn’t think of just what I wanted to say. So I’m just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best.”

Humor #391

Attainable New Year’s Resolutions

This year, I resolve to…

– Procrastinate

– Gain weight; at least 30 pounds.

– Stop exercising; waste of time.

– Read less; makes you think.

– Watch more TV; I’ve been missing some good stuff.

– Procrastinate more; starting tomorrow.

– Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

– Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

– Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

– Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

– Don’t have eight children at once.

– Get in a whole NEW rut!

– Start being superstitious.

– Personal goal: bring back disco.

– Don’t bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

– Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

– Get the windows tinted.  Buy some fur for the dash.

– Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

– Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

– Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

– Don’t eat cloned meat.

– Create loose ends.

– Get more toys.

– Get further in debt.

– Don’t believe politicians.

– Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

– Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

– Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

– Stay off the International Space Station.

– Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

– Associate with even worse business clients.

– Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

– Wait around for opportunity.

– Focus on the faults of others.

– Mope about my faults.

– Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

Humor #367

Mistakes

If a barber makes a mistake,
It’s a new style…

If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident…

If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture…

If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation…

If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law…

If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention…

If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion…

If a teacher makes a mistake ,
It is a new theory…

If our boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake……

If an employee makes a mistake,
It is a “MISTAKE”

Humor #364

Signs – Here and There

The following are actual signs seen across the good ol’ U.S.A.:

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. –Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: 15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament — Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.

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Humor #354

Famous Last Words

*Ha! They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist…

*Don’t unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.

*What happens if you touch these two wires tog-

*We won’t need reservations.

*It’s always sunny there this time of the year.

*Gimmee a match. I think my gas tank is empty.

*Step on her, boy, we’re only going 75.

*If you knew anything, you wouldn’t be a traffic cop.

*What? Your mother is going to stay another month?

*Say, who’s boss of this joint, anyhow?

“Luke, I lied. Bill Shatner is your real father.” – Darth Vader

“Don’t worry about the Rover. That’s no cliff.” – NASA techie

*They’d never make him a manager.

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Humor #337

New Things to Ponder

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does s/he call?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose- fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

 

Humor #331

Toy Disclaimers

Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.

Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.

Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.

Some dismemberment may occur.

In case of breakage, scream until Dad buys a replacement.

Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.

Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.

Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.

Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

Humor #329

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

– It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

– A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

– If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

– Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

– It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

– When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

– No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

– Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

– When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they’re villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.

– You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

– Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

– An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

– Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.