Humor #337

New Things to Ponder

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does s/he call?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose- fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

 

Humor #331

Toy Disclaimers

Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.

Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.

Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.

Some dismemberment may occur.

In case of breakage, scream until Dad buys a replacement.

Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.

Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.

Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.

Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

Humor #329

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

– It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

– A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

– If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

– Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

– It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

– When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

– No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

– Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

– When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they’re villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.

– You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

– Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

– An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

– Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Humor #328

Worst Horse Ever

A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse’s trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn’t win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.

The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.

The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. So the jockey gives the horse a sharp thwap on the shoulder.

Nothing.

He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.

Nothing.

He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.

The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says “Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk.”

Humor #262

How to Get On in Life

“Tell me how to get on in life,” said the kettle.

“Take panes,” said the window.

“Never be led,” said the pencil.

“Do a driving business,” said the hammer.

“Aspire to great things,” said the nutmeg grater.

“Make light of everything,” said the fire.

“Make much of small things,” said the microscope.

“Never do anything offhand,” said the glove.

“Just reflect,” said the mirror.

“Be sharp,” said the knife.

“Find a good thing and stick to it,” said the glue.

And that’s why the kettle sings as she works, and works as she sings.

Humor #249

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing illegally into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and await death when all of a sudden Luis says………

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk.”

“Ees, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon.”

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, Double smoked bacon … Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

“Pepe, Pepe, wees saved! Ees a bacon tree!”

“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? Wees in the desert don’t forget.”

“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon… Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!”

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath….

“Pepe… Go back, man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”

“Luis, Luis MI amigo… What ees it? ”

“Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees….
Ees…..

Ees….

Ees….

Ees…

Ees….

Ees….. A ham bush….”
SORRY. I know there’s something wrong with me for postingA groanera groanerthis. I just couldn’t help it! The little voices made me do it !!! And I bet you tried to do the accent too!

Humor #204

Causes Of All Fatal Accidents

Do NOT ride in automobiles: they cause 20% of all fatal accidents.

Do NOT stay home: 17% of all accidents do occur in the home.

Do NOT walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all accidents happen to pedestrians.

Do NOT travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all accidents happen on these.

Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are related to previous physical disorders.

Hence, the safest place for you to be at any time is church. [Bible study is safe, too. The percentage there is even less.]

Go to church! IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!