Humor #706

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

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A man walked into a record store and asked the assistant, “Have you got anything by The Doors?”

“Yes,” she said, “a bucket and a fire extinguisher.”

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When it comes to telling her age, she’s shy…

About 10 years shy!!!

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The bank robber enters the bank with his gun drawn in plain site.

He walks to the middle of the lobby, pauses for a few seconds, turns around a couple of times, and then approaches a teller.

Then scratching his temple with the gun barrel, he says to the teller, “Do you ever enter a room and forget why?”

Humor #705

I made a graph of all my past relationships…

It has an “ex” axis and a “why” axis.

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Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.

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After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. She then carefully applied cold cream all over her face except her eyes, which she outlined with a different cream. She then proceeded to put her hair in high rollers.

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was that?”

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A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting.

He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one of the fellows and left it on his desk:

“I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave.”

At 7:00 pm, the man stopped at his desk and found this note:

“Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, Goober!”

Humor #704

Scientists studying the effects of marijuana on seabirds have left no tern unstoned.

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During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship.

His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, “I’ve got papers and magazines strewn all over the place — I don’t need any more.”

Philip’s reply? “Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?”

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One morning at our small-town newspaper office, one of the editors was struggling to write a headline for the obituary of a woman who was noted for little besides a fondness for crossword puzzles.

“What am I supposed to write?” the editor whined. “She liked puzzles?”

Just then one of our copy editors piped up, “How about, ‘Crossword fan is now six down.'”

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A woman wakes up to find her husband cooking stir-fry in the middle of the night.

“Wake up, Frank! You’re sleep-wokking again!”

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Death and taxes are inevitable…

But at least death doesn’t get worse every year!

Humor #703

A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist’s desk. “Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,” she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken here?”

“After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.”

“I think,” explained the surgeon gently, “that means your cataract operation was a success.”

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When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. “The first seven years are the hardest,” she said.

“How long have you been married?” I asked.

“Seven years,” she replied.

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The conductor turned to the viola student and said, “You should have taken up the viola earlier.”

“Why?” asked the student. “Do you think the practice would have made me really good?”

“No,” said the conductor. “But you might have given up by now.”

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A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”

“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.

The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”

Humor #702

I’ve decided I’ll never get down to my original weight and I’m okay with that…

After all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.

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A lady was taking her first golf lesson. She asked the instructor, “Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?”

“P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied. “P-u-t means to place something where you want it. P-u-t-t means, merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”

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An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.

The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked.

“Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”

“Yes — so what?”

“Think about it,” said the mystic reverently. “That little bottle — how does it know?”

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Two guys go into a pub. There is a swing band playing the old song “Yes, we have no bananas”.

Guy 1: I love this song!

Guy 2: Yes. I think it’s written by Mozart.

Guy 1: Of course it’s not. They didn’t make swing music in Mozart’s time.

Guy 2: Yes they did!

Guy 1: You’re stupid! They didn’t even have bananas back then.

Guy 2: I know, that’s the name of the song!

Humor #701

Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again!

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My buddy applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested “prior experience,” he wrote “lifeguard.” That was it. Nothing else.

“We’re looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself as well,” said the hiring manager. “How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?”

My friend replied, “I couldn’t swim.”

He got the job.

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Some men were swapping stories about their war experiences. One fellow who had been in the Foreign Legion was saying, “There we were, it was night, the odds were 1,000 to 3. We didn’t know what to do.”

“Well, what did you do?” another asked.

“When morning came, we charged and got all three of them!”

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Cop: You know how fast you were going?

Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.

Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.

Guy: Yea, that’s how far behind I am.

 

Humor #700

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. “I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!”

The crowd went wild, shouting “Hoya!  Hoya!” The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. “I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!”

“Hoya!  Hoya!” cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

“I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!” The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting “Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!”

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

“Sure,” the Chief said, “but be careful not to step in the hoya.”

Humor #698

“This little computer,” said the sales clerk, “will do half of your job for you.”

Studying the machine, the senior VP said, “Fine. I’ll take two.”

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I was six years old when my daddy took me for my first airplane ride.

We boarded the plane and I got the window seat. After a short while I turned to daddy and exclaimed, “Daddy! We’re so high up all the cars on the freeway down there look like ants.”

Daddy moved over and looked out the window. After a moment he smiled and said, “Those are ants my dear, we haven’t taken off yet.”

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During a recent meeting of our Optimist Club, we challenged one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using the word countenance.

This was the winning entry: “I put a cheerful countenance on people every day.”

It was submitted by our local funeral director.

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“I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin,” the mother said. “Where is he?”

“Well,” her son replied thoughtfully, “if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he’s out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he’s out swimming.”

Humor #697

Seven-year-old John had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phone his mother to tell her that John was misbehaving.

“Wait a minute,” said the mother. “I had John here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

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Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years. Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road.

The one old man reeled in his line, laid down his pole, faced the street, and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his pole and started fishing again.

The other fisherman was amazed and stated, “I didn’t know you were that religious.”

The other looked at him and said, “Least I could do — we’ve been married 42 years!”

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A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building, “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?

“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.

Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”

Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“

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I got fired from my job as a taxi driver…

It turns out my customers didn’t like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

Humor #696

I used to be conceited, but now I am perfect.

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A newspaper writer, after working for 17 long years, was finally granted two months leave, during which time he would be fully paid. However, he turned down his boss’ kind offer.

The boss asked, “Why would you turn down such a generous offer?”

The newspaper writer said there were 2 reasons.

“Well, what are they?” asked the boss.

“The first,” he said, “is that I thought that my taking such a long leave might affect the newspaper’s circulation.”

The boss asked him what the other reason was.

“The other reason,” replied the writer, “is that I thought my taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper’s circulation.”

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Letter of Rejection of Rejection Letter

Dear [Interviewer’s Name]:

Thank you for your letter of _________.

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm’s Name]’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

 

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Old man walks up and says, “For sixty years I’ve been trying to figure out why we vote in November. Finally found the answer this year.”

“Why’s that?”

“Better selection of turkeys!”

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A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits.

“Well,” he said, “I take ’em out in the woods and make ’em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen.”