Humor #666

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.

It’s called lunch.

—–

As I pulled into the gas station, I noticed a woman trying to push her car toward the pump. Having always considered myself a Good Samaritan, I parked and joined her in pushing her car.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m giving you a hand,” I said. “What are you doing?”

“I’m stretching before my run.”

—–

“Doctor, I’d like you to evaluate my 13-year-old son.”

“OK: He’s suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery.”

“How can you say all that without even meeting him?”

“I thought you said he’s 13?”

—–

Many years ago I had stopped in to bring my girlfriend some pizza while she was babysitting.

We received a call that her grandmother had been taken to the hospital, so I agreed to watch the children, so she could meet her family at the hospital.

Well, the parents were at a movie and these were the days before cell phones, so I couldn’t get in touch with them. I thought I was doing pretty well, though. At bedtime I sent the kids upstairs to bed and settled down to watch some TV.

One child kept creeping down the stairs, but I just kept sending him back to bed.

At 9 pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, asking whether her son was there.

I said, “No.”

Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, “I’m here, Mom, but he won’t let me go home!”

Humor #665

Don’t be redundant by repeating yourself!

—–

Teacher: “I hope I didn’t see you looking at Timmy’s test paper?”

Little Johnny: ”I hope you didn’t see me either!”

—–

Two boys were fishing on the bank of a river. The one boy remarked that being a visionary must be very difficult. He went on to say much more and added that visionaries are seldom understood in they’re life time.

The other boy replied, “Then you must be a visionary, cause I have no idea what you’re talking about!”

—–

A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer’s wife had prepared for them. Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his lunch too.

The hired man didn’t say a word, but filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat. After awhile the farmer said, “We’ve got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now too.”

Again, the hired man didn’t respond but refilled his plate a third time and continued to eat. Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes.

“What are you doing”? the farmer asked.

The hired man replied, “I don’t work after supper.”

Humor #664

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, “Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do whatever I want?”

The father answered immediately, “I don’t know. Nobody has lived that long yet.”

—–

Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!”

His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you hear the rattle?”

—–

TEACHER: Jean, what does trickle mean?

JEAN: To run slowly.

TEACHER: good. Annie, what does anecdote mean?

ANNIE: It’s a short, funny tale.

TEACHER: Well done. Now, Rita, give me a sentence with both of these words in it.

RITA: Our dog trickled down the street wagging her anecdote.

—–

Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice.

But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, “I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough.”

“Well,” she asked, “how long did you cook it?”

“You’re supposed to cook it?” he said.

Humor #663

A fellow was given a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He cleaned it up and POOF!–out popped a genie!

The genie said, “I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like.”

The guy thought for a minute and said, “I would like a billion dollars.”

“You shall have it,” said the genie and he granted him the wish. “Anything else?”

The guy thought for a while and said, “I would like a VW Bug with A/C, power locks, power windows, an incredible radio, you know – and all the works!”

“Your wish is my command” said the genie, making the dream car appear. “What is your last wish?”

“Hmmm. I think I’ll save it for a rainy day” answered the birthday boy.

“OK, suit yourself,” replied the genie. “I’ll wait and listen, ready to answer.”

The happy guy got in his new car and drove off to show all his friends. As he turned on the radio, a familiar commercial came on and he began to sing along, “I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.”

—–

Someone keeps dumping soil all over my garden bed, and I don’t know who’s doing it???

The plot thickens…

—–

My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.

I think I might never put my glasses back on.

—–

What do you call a hippie’s wife?

Mississippi.

—–

Census Taker: “How many children do you have?”

Woman: “Four.”

Census Taker: “May I have their names, please?”

Woman: “Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George.”

Census Taker: “Okay, that’s fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?”

Woman: “Because we didn’t want any Moe!”

Humor #662

Silly Jokes 2

Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $6.30 now.

My clock just went back 4 seconds… I guess it was still hungry.

I knew a guy named Roger… He was huge, about 10-4.

Humor #662

Silly Jokes 1

What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!

Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom

What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1

Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.

I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.

Humor #655

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

“How are we faring?” asks the king.

“Sire,” replies the knight, “I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west.”

“What?!” shrieks the king. “I don’t have any enemies to the west!”

“Oh, no…” says the knight. “Well, you do now.”

—–

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook … ?

At a second hand store!

—–

A woman calls her mother.

“My husband and I have been fighting so much lately. I am going to come live with you again.”

Her mother replies, “No dear, he should pay for his mistakes. I am coming to live with you.”

—–

A man went to his neighbor and asked, “Can you please lend me your stepladder?”

“I wish I could but I lent it to my son a couple of years back and he never returned it,” the neighbor replied.

“That reminds me. My mom used to say that if you lent something to the one who is born to you it will never come back.”

“I don’t know about that,” the neighbor began, “but in fact it is not my own. It belongs to my dad.”