Humor #431

Two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east toward Georgia on I-90

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, “Sarge, why’d you stop?”

“You dumb rookie,” replied the sarge. “He’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.”

—–

While putting my 4-year-old daughter to bed one evening, I read her the story of the Prodigal Son. We discussed how the young son had taken his inheritance and left home, living it up until he had nothing left. Finally, when he couldn’t even eat as well as pigs, he went home to his father, who welcomed him.

When we finished the story, I asked my daughter what she had learned. After thinking a moment, she quipped, “Never leave home without your credit card!”

—–

“I am going to KILL the person who told me the new iPhone could be used as a bathroom scale!”
– @jimmykimmel

—–

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations!”

“Congratulations for what?” asks the lawyer.

“Congratulations for what?!?” says Saint Peter. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.”

“But that’s not true,” says the lawyer. “I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter. “We’ve added up your time sheets.”

—–

When our daughter was born, our young son was upset because he wasn’t able to help feed her. My husband told him he could watch Mommy so he would understand why only I could feed Elisa. At the hospital he stood and watched me nurse her. Afterwards he leaned over and asked me seriously, “How long do you have to wear those?”

“Wear what?” I responded.

“Those things you feed the baby with.”

—–

One day, my friend’s daughter, Britney, came up to her and said, “Mom, I know that Jesus lives inside my heart. But how do I tell him I love him? Do you think if I write ‘I love you’ on a piece of paper and eat it, he’ll get the note?”

—–

Tiring of the same old buzz haircut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut.

The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked where I was from.

“Trinidad,” I said.

“Is that in Arabia?”

“The Caribbean.”

She laughed, “Sorry, I never was very good at geometry.”

Humor #429

I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day.

Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck’s bed. They’ll pay in food, which is exactly what I like best! For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of Middle Eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!

That’s right: A pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

—–

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. ‘Is it true,’ she wanted to know, ‘that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? ”Yes, I’m afraid so,’ the doctor told her

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, ‘I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.’

—–

Three mothers are sitting on a park bench talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says “You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother.”

Minnie says,”You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Bernie. What a doll.”

Shirley says “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He’s in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me.”

—–

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: “This bill is one year old.”

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: “Happy Birthday.”

—–

 

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seat airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: “May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!”

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: “The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position.”

She says, “I’m 5’4″ and I’m in the front seat.”

“O.K.” says the voice from the tower. “Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven. . . ..”

—–

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale, and said to her, “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.

“Normally, yes,” she said. “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”

—–

My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store.

Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on.

Getting annoyed, he scolded, “Madison! Stop that!”

“But, Daddy,” she replied, “I’m just trying to get my gum back.”

—–

Humor #428

Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”

—–

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt’s name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale.

“I need to get your weight today,” said the nurse.

Without a moment’s hesitation, my aunt replied, “One hour and 45 minutes!”

—–

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: ‘They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!’ she cried. The dispatcher said, ‘Stay calm. An officer is on the way.’

 A few minutes later, the officer radios in ‘Disregard.’ He says. ‘She got in the back-seat by mistake.’

—–

I have never liked thunderstorms. A few weeks ago, as I sat at my kitchen table during a particularly noisy storm, I started to pray in an effort to comfort myself. As lightning and thunder split the night sky on all sides, my prayer unwittingly began, “Dear LOUD Jesus …”

—–

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’ The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’ She starts up the stairs and pauses ‘Was I going up the stairs or down?’ The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to hersisters, she shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood…’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.’

—–

For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) that don’t want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

—–

Bumper Stickers

If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You

Forget World Peace — Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!

HANG UP AND DRIVE!

Where There’s A Will…I Want To Be In It!

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Honk If Anything Falls Off

I Haven’t Lost My Mind – It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

—–

Humor #424

PUNS & OTHER HUMOR

The doctor fell in the well and broke his collarbone. Which proves that doctors should tend the sick and leave the well alone.

They arrested the barber for running a clip joint.

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest celebrating and drinking. Friar Tuck started to sing louder and louder with each drink. Robin, fearing that the Sheriff’s men might hear the band celebrate, dragged the friar into the woods and threw him in the river, but Tuck climbed out without missing a note. The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to water, but you cannot make him hoarse.

When the Post Office delivers only some of your packages, the service they have just provided is Partial post

When a snail loses it’s shell it looks sluggish.

—–

A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!”

The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

—–

 

Little Johnny was one of those holy terrors. His dad was surprised when Johnny’s mom suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.

“Do you really believe that’ll help improve his behavior ?” he said.

“Well, no,” she admitted, “But it will spread it over a wider area.”

—–

Bob was on vacation, visiting a Las Vegas casino for the first time.

He decided to play the slots. Since he wasn’t sure how to play a slot machine, he called an attendant over.

“Excuse me,” Bob said. “How does this work?”

The worker showed him how to insert a bill, hit the spin button and pull the handle.

“And where does the money come out?” Bob asked.

The casino employee smiled and pointed to a far wall. “The ATM is over there.”

—–

It was a hectic day of running errands with my wife and son.

As if the stress weren’t enough, four-year-old Christopher insisted on asking questions about everything, told me how to drive better, and sang every song he knew.

Finally, fed up with the incessant chatter, I made him an offer: “Christopher, if you’ll be quiet for just a few minutes, I’ll give you a quarter.” It worked.

But when we stopped for lunch, I unknowingly began to harp on him. “Christopher, sit up straight … don’t spill your drink … don’t talk with your mouth full.”

Finally he said seriously, “Dad, if you’ll be quiet for just a few minutes, I’ll give you a quarter.”

——

In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.

Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster.

I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, “I’m sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!”

 

Humor #423

I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

—–

A career Army officer I once met was jumpmaster for his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty rough, and after a while, the jumpmaster called off the jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick.

“How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn’t handle the smooth landing?” asked the jumpmaster.

“Well, sir,” one trainee explained, “We’ve always jumped out of planes. We’ve never actually landed before.”

—–

When I asked my friend if she was planning to attend church, she just shook her head. “I haven’t gone in a long time,” she said.

“Besides, it’s too late for me. I’ve probably already broken all seven commandments.”

—–

A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, “I’ll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away.”

An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened … not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, “Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?”

The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn’t possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.

The quick-thinking minister’s wife answered, “Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I’m sure you’ll be glad to greet her.”

—–

Sewing Machine Ad

The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row – the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake.

MONDAY:

For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:

Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M.”

WEDNESDAY:

Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: “For sale — R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.”

THURSDAY:

Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don’t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

——

An guy was visiting Oxford University for the first time. He stopped a passing Oxford don and asked, “Excuse me, can you tell me if that’s Trinity College I’m looking at?”

The don sneered, “You are probably unaware that you have just ended your sentence with a preposition. You may wish to rephrase your question.”

The guy thought for a moment and said,

“Can you tell me if that’s Trinity College I’m looking at, YOU JERK!”

—-

 

Humor #420

Deep thoughts of the day: when you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

—–

Bert: “Say, Ernie, would you like some ice-cream?”

Ernie: “Sherbert.”

—–

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: “We have a critical shortage of typists. I’ll give you a little test. Type this,” he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.

“That’s fine,” he said; “Report for work at 8 tomorrow.”

“But aren’t you going to check the test?” the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. “You passed the test,” he replied, “when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine.”

—–

It was halfway through the school year and the principal was lecturing the teachers during a faculty meeting. He presented a painful list of all their failures, flaws and shortcomings. The list of transgressions seemed endless. Then he announced that the science club was sponsoring a blood drive, and that, to promote faculty involvement, he would donate the first pint of blood.

An anxious voice from the rear of the room asked, “Whose?”

—–

Miss Smith and Little Johnny’s father were having a parent teacher conference.

Miss Smith said to Little Johnny’s father, “Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.”

Little Johnny’s father asked, “What’s that?”

“With grades like these, he couldn’t possibly be cheating.”

—–

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

A 75-year-old man in the back row stood up and shouted, “Wedding cake.”

—–

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

“What are they doing?” I asked our tour guide.

“Each year,” he replied with a grin, “The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish this courtyard.”

“So what’s the answer?” my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied simply, “One.”

Humor #418

The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me!

—–

A guy and a girl are having a drink together. The man raises his glass and says, “Here’s hoping you’re in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you’re dead!”

“What’s that mean?” asks the girl.

“That,” answers her date, “is an authentic Irish toast.”

“Oh. Well, here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.”

“Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What’s that?”

The girl says, “That’s French toast.”

—–

After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, “If you don’t be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!” It worked.

—–

From British Newspapers

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.”

– The Daily Telegraph

2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like.

– The Guardian

3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, “This sort of thing is all too common.”

– The Times

4) At the height of the gale, the harbormaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

– Aberdeen Evening Express