Humor #831

Is it time for your medication or mine?

—–

The cleaning lady comes to the bank manager…

“Can you please give me the key of the safe vault?”

“What?! What for?”

“It’s always so time consuming to have to use my hairpin in order to clean it!”

—–

My wife said that my granddaughter has me wrapped around her little finger.

I said, “That’s not true. I said ‘no’ to her just yesterday.”

“What did she ask you?”

“She asked me if there was anything I wouldn’t give her.”

—–

Humor #830

While these results may seem rather trivial, their importance cannot be underestimated.

—–

There are three kinds of men in this world…

Some remain single and make wonders happen.

Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.

The rest get married and wonder what happened???

—–

If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN…

They get really upset.

—–

Little Johnny was thrilled when his turn came to enter kindergarten. To make sure he had plenty of time to eat breakfast and get ready on the first day, his mother woke everybody up early — so early that it was still dark.

After looking outside Little Johnny went down the hall and found his mother dressing in the bedroom. He looked so troubled that his mother asked, “What’s wrong?” mustering as much cheerfulness into her voice as she could at that hour. “This is your big day!”

Little Johnny blurted, “You didn’t tell me I was going to night school.”

Humor #829

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse’s office.

When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. “Why are you dressed like that?” I asked her.

“I told my son,” she explained, “that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I’ve come to spend the day with him!”

—–

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.”

“Fair enough. From now on I’ll make my own,” he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.

“We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,” he suggested.

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waitress came to take our order.

My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Separate checks, please…”

—–

As he stood at the bar for the first time with his son the proud father said, “Now is as good of time to talk about some of the facts of life. Remember. a man that drinks beyond his capacity is no gentleman. To enjoy life you must observe a happy medium. Have a drink occasionally, but never, never, never get drunk.”

“Yes sir,” replied his dutiful son, “but how am I to know when I am drunk?”

“Well, you see those two men over there in the corner?” said the father. “If you were to see four men, you’d know you were drunk.”

“Dad, let me have the keys,” grinned the son. “There’s only one guy over there.”

—–

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action.

A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, “Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year.”

His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, “That’s the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl, but I’ll take it!”

Humor #826

The only attitude I trust is skepticism.

—–

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady.

He asked a nearby trainer, “What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?”

The trainer looked him up and down and said, “I would try the ATM in the lobby.

—–

Thoughts On Aging

– The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

– You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.

– You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.

– The cardiologist’s diet… if it tastes good, spit it out.

– You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

– When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

Humor #824

Visiting St Patrick’s Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight.

The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they’d each like to light one.

She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles.

“Do you have any questions?” she asked.

“No,” said the 5-year-old, “but if there’s a pony outside, it’s mine.”

—–

Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.

One turns to the other and says, “Boy, you’ll never get me up in one of those things.”

—–

Lawyer: “Is it a crime to throw sodium in your enemy’s eyes?”

Judge: “Yes, that’s assault.”

Lawyer: “I know it’s a salt but is it a crime?”

—–

A young man confided to his mother that he had proposed to his girlfriend and they were going to get married.

“Whatsa dis?” screamed his Mother. “Who’s a-gonna love you like a Momma? Who’s a gonna starch-a you socks? Who’s a gonna make-a you lasagna?”

“Please, Mom, calm down,” pleaded the son. “Why are you talking like that? We aren’t even Italian!”

Humor #822

Albert Einstein was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, “Take it easy. You’ll find it.”

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn’t find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, “I’m sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it.”

“You’re very kind,” the professor said, “but I must find it, otherwise I won’t know where to get off.”

—–

I had just moved to an address between Sunrise Ave. and Sunset Blvd., one of Sacramento’s major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my home was located for billing purposes.

“I live between Sunrise and Sunset,” I told her.

“Oh, Honey,” she knowingly replied, “we all do.”

—–

The Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license.

“This is last year’s license,” the warden informed him.

“I know,” said the hunter, “but I shouldn’t need a new license. I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year.”

—–

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”

As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.

As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!…But don’t shove me either.”

Humor #821

So grateful somebody invented window blinds…

Or it would be curtains for all of us!

—–

While trying to explain to our six-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new desktop computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.

Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”

—–

Working on Capitol Hill, my husband was under constant pressure.

After one late-night session, he came home exhausted and went straight to bed. When I turned out the light, he sat up in a panic. “Is everything okay in the house?” he asked.

“Yes, honey,” I answered. “I locked the doors and turned down the heat.”

“That’s good,” he said, lying back down, his eyelids heavy. “What about the Senate?”

—–

Barney: I have a three-season bed.

Wilma: What is a three-season bed?

Barney: One without a spring.

Humor #820

Dad,” said Little Johnny, “I’m late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?”

Little Johnny’s father said irately, “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.”

“That’s okay,” replied Little Johnny. “You could at least give it a try, couldn’t you?”

—–

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.

At one point the auditor exclaimed, ”Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”

”Thank goodness,” returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, ”I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash.”

—–

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!”

—–

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.

Instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, “Guess who?”

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, “Guess where?”

Humor #818

“Armstrong,” the boss said, “I happen to know that the reason you didn’t come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf.”

“That’s a rotten lie!” Armstrong protested. “And I have the fish to prove it!”

—–

Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my wife I’d have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit.

Not wanting to mess it up, I called a local radio home-fix-it program for advice. I was in the middle of getting the instructions when my wife burst into the room.

“You won’t believe this,” she said, “but there’s a guy on the radio with the same problem!”

—–

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise.

It was the pair on the ground.

—–

I work in a department store where every night at closing time one of our customer service representatives reminds shoppers over the public address system to finish their shopping.

One evening, a woman who had recently worked at Kmart opened the announcement by saying, “Attention Kmart shoppers…” Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding, “…you are in the wrong store.”

Humor #819

HOMILIES TO LIVE BY…

  • Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
  • I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  • The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
  • According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.
  • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  • Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
  • There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.