Humor #596

Two blondes looking at their car’s flat tire.

“I don’t understand?”

“What?”

“How come the bottom part of the tire always gets a flat?”

“Good question!”

—–

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

 I thought that maybe if I acted ‘Crazy’ then he would tell me to take a few days off.

 So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

 My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was ‘Crazy’ and give me a few days off.

 A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, ‘What in the name of goodness are you doing?’

 I told him I was a light bulb.

 He said, ‘You are clearly stressed out.’ Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.’ I jumped down and walked out of the office…

 When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, ‘..And where do you think you’re going?!’

 (You’re gonna love this….)

 She said, ‘I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.


 

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Humor #595

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn’t comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband’s feet.

“Are you hurt?” he asked.

“Of course I’m hurt!” she replied. “Three times around, and you didn’t wave once!”

 —–

 A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest’s collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest’s neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, “Do you know why I am wearing that?”

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, “It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months.”

 —–

 A high-school geometry teacher started a lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. “If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles.”

He noticed that one student wasn’t taking notes and asked him why.

“Well,” the student replied sincerely, “I was waiting for you to start speaking English.”

—–

 My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking 30 to 45 mph crosswinds. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, “What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?”

The tollbooth attendant didn’t miss a beat when she answered, “We take the rocks out of our pockets.”

Humor #594

A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, “If you pretend you’re asleep, he stops.”

 —–

 When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. “Since I’ve been with the firm for so long,” he said, “I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation.”

The human resources director agreed and said he’d have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, “Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied.”

—–

 A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over, he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

—–

 One day on the way home from church a little girl turned to her mother and said, “Mommy, the preacher’s sermon this morning confused me.”

The mother said, “Oh! Why is that?

The girl replied, “Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?”

“Yes, that’s true,” the mother replied.

“He also said that God lives within us. Is that true too?”

Again the mother replied, “Yes.”

“Well,” said the girl. “If God is bigger than us and he lives in us, wouldn’t He show through?”

Humor #593

A young boy refused to do his homework, and his father was trying to convince him to do it.

He said to his son, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”

The son replied, “Well, when Lincoln was your age, he was President!”

—–

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom — I’ll show you how.”

—–

 Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knowing the end is near. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons.

“So,” he says to them, “Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.

“Sybil, you take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.

“Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, “Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property.”

Sarah replies, “Property? The schlemiel had a paper route!”

—–

 Doctor: I see you’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?

Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.

Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.

Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.

Humor #592

A group of expectant fathers sat nervously in the hall. A nurse beckoned to one of them and said, “Congratulations — you have a son!”

Another man dropped his magazine, jumped up, and cried, “Hey, what’s the idea? I got here two hours before he did!”

—–

Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.

“Preacher,” the organizer said, “I trust you’ll see to it that the weather won’t turn bad on us.”

Our pastor shook his head. “Sorry,” he replied. “I’m sales, not management!

—–

In a small business office they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words.

Early one Monday the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages and she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer, “My difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N.”

—–

 My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.  It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”

 —–

Teacher: Billy, give me a sentence starting with “I”.

Billy: I is …

Teacher: No, Billy. Always say, “I am.”

Billy: All right … “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

Humor #590

Professor Stein was lecturing his physics class. “If molecules can be split into atoms and the atoms split into electrons, can the electrons be broken down any further?”

A pupil replied, “I’m not certain, but a sure way to find out would be to mail some of them in a Christmas package marked ‘fragile.'”

—–

 A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class.

To encourage him, his teacher said, “You’ll know you’re really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French.”

The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, “Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!”

“Great!” said the teacher; “what were they saying?”

“I don’t know,” the boy replied; “I couldn’t understand them.”

—–

 The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

“What will you do with it?” my wife asked.

“We burn it” was the answer.

“Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?” asked my wife.

“Certainly not,” said the clerk. “This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it’s destroyed.”

 —–

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long letter came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read:”You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure.”

So I did.

Humor #589

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: “Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:

“Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”

—–

In a spy novel I had just read, the hero hid a letter in a particular statue in Washington, D.C. Since I was in that city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue really contained the small niche the author had described. To my great surprise, it did — and a cellophane-wrapped letter was inside. After a moment’s hesitation, I pulled out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter.

An unidentified reader had penned, “Good book, wasn’t it?”

 —–

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

“How are we faring?” asks the king.

“Sire,” replies the knight, “I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west.”

“What?!” shrieks the king.  “I don’t have any enemies to the west!”

“Oh, no…” says the knight.  “Well, you do now.”

—–

The dean and the coach struck a simple deal. Despite his abysmal grades, the all-star tackle could play in the big game if and only if he could learn and remember the formula for water before then. The coach and the chemistry teacher both worked with the gridiron star and were confident that he’d come through with flying colors.

On the morning of the game, the dean came down to the locker room where the tackle was suiting up.

“Well?” said the dean. “What is the formula for water?”

Grinning broadly, and drawing confidence from the presence of his proud coach, the player said, “H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.”