Humor #639

Recently launched into the “real world” and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

“If you got married,” teased my dad, “the premium would be lower.”

My brother smiled and said, “That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts.”

—–

An actress who suffered from an inferiority complex was complaining to her psychiatrist. “I’m a nothing!” she cried. “I can’t sing. I can’t remember my lines. I can’t dance, I can’t even act. I really don’t belong in show business.”

“Why don’t you quit?” the doctor asked.

“I can’t,” moaned the actress. “I’m a Star!”

—–

During college, I worked on a conveyer belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.

“I work at the end of a belt,” I said.

With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?”

—–

“Oh no, not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last night’s supper.

“Young lady,” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this? You should be ashamed of yourself. Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking the Lord for this delicious meal.”

“Thank you Lord for this delicious supper,” muttered my sister submissively, “….again!”

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Humor #638

“Look, Charlie,” the coach said, “you know the principles of good sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.”

“Yes sir, I understand.”

“Good, Charlie. Now, would you explain that to your father?”

—–

The Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin, and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the heck made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, “Donald, duck!”

—–

Google is so useless…

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was about 15,000 matches

—–

One day at a local clinic, the doctor is outraged to see that he has no patients to examine. So he called his assistant to ask what happened.

His assistant replied, “I asked the patients if they are feeling okay, and they said ‘no’, so I told them to go home and get plenty of rest!”

Humor #637

“Time separates the best of friends,” said one women to another.

“How true,” replied the other. “Twenty years ago we were fifteen, now you’re thirty-five and I’m twenty-nine!”

—–

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.

Not sure how I did that…

I didn’t even know it was her birthday!

—–

The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.

“So, what did you name the ranch?” asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.

“We had a heck of a time,” admitted the new cowboy. “Couldn’t agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch.”

“Wow!” his friend was impressed. But looking around he saw no cattle. “So… where are all the cows?”

“None of ’em survived the branding.”

—–

“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

“He’s a magician, ma’am” said Little Johnny.

“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”

“He saws people in half.”

“Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?”

“One half brother and two half sisters.”

Humor #636

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to put it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

—–

“You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla.

“Well, try getting up half an hour later,” said the doctor.

—–

A teacher called upon the classroom to make sentences with words previously chosen. The teacher smiled when Pete, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words: Defeat, Defense, Deduct, and Detail.

Pete stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he the proudly said, “Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.”

—–

My husband and I had gone to a restaurant with friends. When the hostess led us to a circular booth, we noticed the vinyl seat was covered with crumbs and asked if it could be cleaned off.

The young woman sat down at one end of the booth, slid around to the other side, then sprang up with a smile as she asked, “Did I get it all?”

Humor #634

My 12 year old daughter asked me, “Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project.”

I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.

The title of their project was: “The oldest thing in my house.”

—–

A teenager invited his girlfriend over to Sunday dinner to meet his parents for the first time. He warned her that his mother can be strong willed and very critical of his friends.

She replied, “Don’t worry, I can hold my own. I’ll nicely put her in her place if need be.”

After dinner the teen asked his girlfriend why she hadn’t stood up to his mother. She answered by saying, “I’m not worried about her, it’s the horde of flying monkeys that must be waiting outside that bothers me.”

—–

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me – all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area.

A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, “Ma’am,” he said, “do all these children and this luggage belong to you?”

“Yes, sir,” my mother said with a sigh. “They’re all mine.”

The customs agent began his interrogation: “Ma’am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?”

“Sir,” she calmly answered, “if I’d had any of those items, I would have used them by now.”

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

Humor #633

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”

“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”

“Never heard of him. What did he write?”

“A big check,” replied the guide.

—–

Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. My daughter went inside to get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.

Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife.

Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.

When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, “You’re not going to let him hold the baby, are you?”

—–

The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, “Father, that was a good sermon.”

The priest replied, “Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit.”

“It wasn’t THAT good!” she said.

—–

Little Anne came running into the house after the school one day, shouting, “Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!”

“That’s great sweetheart!” said her daddy.

“Come into the living room and tell me about it,” daddy continued.

Little Anne said, “Well, I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20 in science.”

Humor #632

Husband’s note on refrigerator to his wife:

“Someone from the Guyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. I didn’t know you liked beer.”

—–

A very self-centered actor was hauled into a court as a witness. When asked to state his occupation he announced quit confidently, “I am the world’s greatest actor.”

“Why did you tell them that?” a friend inquired afterward.

“Had to,” was the answer. “I was under oath.”

—–

Money can buy a house, but not a home.

Money can buy a bed, but not sleep.

Money can buy a clock, but not time.

Money can buy a book, but not knowledge.

Money can buy food, but not an appetite.

Money can buy position, but not respect.

Money can buy blood, but not life.

Money can buy insurance, but not safety.

You see, money is not everything!

Therefore, if you have too much money, please send it to me.