humor #462

A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.

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 Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.

Mr. Smith: That’s because I’ve been practicing all night.

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 A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I’m the chip monk!

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 “How did school go today? a mother asked her little boy. “Fine”, the little fellow replied. “We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child”. What did she say?” his mother asked. “The teacher said, “Thank goodness”

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 The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.

“This time you’re doing fine!” exclaimed the instructor. “Yes,” the novice driver agreed.

“Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes.”

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humor #461

Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessing before eating their meal.

One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to say their blessings without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my four-year-old finished, her three-year-old sister kept on praying.

Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, “Hey! My peas are still here!”

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 As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter’s office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

“Oh, come on, quit joking,” snickered one. “You didn’t really do that, did you?”

“You would never get through basic training,” scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him.

When she finally spoke, she simply asked, “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”

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 A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given to the panel: “An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.'”

“See, I have a problem with that passion business,” responded the jury candidate. “During my first marriage, I discovered that my husband was having an affair with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him.”

She wasn’t selected for the jury.

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 PUNS: THE TATES

Do you know how many members of the TATE family belong to our organization?

There is old man DICK TATE who wants to run everything, while Uncle RO TATE tries to change everything.

Their sister, AGI TATE, stirs up plenty of trouble with help from her husband, IRRI TATE.

Whenever new projects are suggested, HESI TATE and his wife, VEGI TATE, want to wait until next year.

Brother FACILI TATE is quite helpful in group matters.

And a happy member is Ms. FELICI TATE.

Cousins COGI TATE and MEDI TATE always think things over and lend a helpful steady hand.

And, of course, there is the bad seed in the family, AMPU TATE, who has cut himself off completely from the rest of the organization.

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”

“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”

humor #460

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

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Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

Peter: Because they had so many knights.

Humor #459

A college’s student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player – a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.

This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player’s academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.

The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, “How much is five and two?” The student frowns in deep concentration – he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, “SEVEN”. The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. “Give him another chance. Give him another chance”.

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 After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, “When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?”

 Sean says, “I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man.”

 Karl says, “I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children’s lives.”

 Juan says, “I would like to hear them say, ‘Look! He’s moving!'”

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 At a high school, a group of students played a prank: they let three goats loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.

School administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

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 Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. “However, if you’re over 65,” he said, ” the price will be only $5.50.”

From the back of the congregation, a woman’s voice rang out, “Do you really think I’d give you that information for only 50 cents?”

Humor #457

Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?

It’s called On & On Anon.

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The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call “Lunch and Learn” seminars during the employees’ lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we’re supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flier came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:

WHO’S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?

(Get your manager’s permission before attending)

Looks like that question’s been answered …

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During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento”

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said, “Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.”

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Some young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

“Davy, what noise does a cow make?”

“It goes ‘moo.'”

“Alice, what noise does a cat make?”

“It goes ‘meow.'”

“Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?”

“It goes ‘baaa.'”

“Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?”

“Errr…, it goes… ‘click!'”

Humor #456

“Sliced bread: The best thing since ripped up bread.”

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“I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.”

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I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.

One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.

She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:

“When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance.

When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”

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At a local church, the members take pride in the reverent behavior of the children during the sermons.

Asked how they engendered this profound respect for the Almighty, one elder explained to me:

“In each batch of new Sunday schoolers, I casually mention that we had to fire the artist who made the stained glass roof panels. I say he got fired for putting bad words in some of the artwork. Now, when energetic little boys get bored, they spend their time staring straight up!”

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 After Sunday school two little boys were standing in the church lobby. As they were talking a pretty little girl from their class walked by them.

One of the little guys said to the other, “When I quit hating girls, she’s the first one I’m going to quit hating.”

Humor #455

How do you know you’ve met a good tax accountant?

He has a loophole named after him.

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My 7-year-old often asks for help in washing her long hair. One day I said, “You really need to learn to do this by yourself.”

“I know,” she replied. “I don’t want my husband to laugh at me when you have to come over and wash my hair every day.”

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Jennifer’s big formal wedding was fast approaching and she was delighted to hear that her Mom, Sheilah, emerging from a nasty divorce, had finally found the perfect mother-of-the-bride dress.

Two days later, she was shocked to learn that her new young stepmother, Fawn, had purchased the same dress.

She asked her stepmother to buy another dress since her Mom had already altered her purchase. Fawn refused.

After two more weeks of frustrated shopping, Sheila found a dress that was not as nice as the first, but would serve.

When asked by a friend what she would do with her original dress, she grinned and replied, “I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!”

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A certain man had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Joey’s job to set the table.

But when it came time to eat, Joey’s mother said with surprise, “Why didn’t you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?”

“I didn’t think I needed to,” as everyone listened as Joey explained, “I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse.”

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