Humor #564

Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.

 —–

 A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.

“$50.00 for three questions,” replied the lawyer.

“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.

“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what is your third question?”

—–

 The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home.

“The only consolation I can find in these awful grades,” lamented the father, “is that I know he never cheated during his exams.”

—–

  1. What do you call a polar bear with ear muffs?
  2. Anything you want, he can’t hear you!

 —–

 One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Alex.’

‘Good morning Pastor,’ he replied, still focused on the plaque. ‘Pastor, what is this?’

The pastor said, ‘Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.’

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, ‘Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?’

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Humor #563

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon: I’ll let you know…

 —–

 An 6-year-old was the flower girl for her uncle’s wedding. Mom realized she must have paid close attention to the ceremony when she asked a few days later, “Mom, what did the pastor mean when he said, ‘I unite you in holy macaroni’?”

—–

A young man away from home and at college was feeling low. He had no money at the present time, so he decided at ask dad for some help. He sent a simple three line six word letter to dad. It said,

“No mon.

No fun.

Your son.”

A week later he had a response from dad another three line six word letter. It said,

“Too bad.

So sad.

Your dad.”

—–

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.

The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Thanks,

Billy

 —–

 A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor.

After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, “At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day.”

“Can’t”, replied the farmer. “At night I haul water for the hole.” 

Humor #562

A lady was having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas and she was down to her last $50.

Exasperated, she exclaimed, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”

A man standing next to her suggested, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?” and walked away.

Moments later, his attention was grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. “Maybe she won!” he thought.  Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd he found the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man was stunned.  He asked, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replied, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29 and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”

 —–

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto,” and so I asked why it was so long.

“Because,” my son explained, “they say it has to have at least four characters.”

—–

 I hate it when I think that I’m buying “Organic” vegetables, but when I get home they’re just regular donuts.

 

—–

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.

“I’m so tough”, said the first boy, “that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week”.

“Well”, said the second little boy, “I’m so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day”.

“That’s nothing”, said the third boy. “When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour.”

—–

 As in many homes on New Year’s Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important – the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

“See?” she said, continuing to smile, “You didn’t miss a thing.”

Humor #561

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.”

“And why was that?” “Because my wife wanted a dress.”

The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”

“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”

 —–

 Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.

‘Little Johnny asked, ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?’

—–

 A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”

“It was terrible,” her husband said. “The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.”

 —–

A couple is in bed sleeping when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it’s half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there’s a man standing there. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?” “No, get lost. It’s half past three and I was in bed,” says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,

He shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” The drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”

Humor #560

 Did you hear about the elephant who was always left out of things and thus felt irrelephant?

 —–

 If pro is the opposite of con, what’s the opposite of progress?

Congress!

—–

Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we’d drop them off at our church’s children’s chapel on Sundays before the eleven o’clock service.

One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments.  He said he had an emergency and asked if I’d speak to the children at their story time.  He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.

But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all.

He told the children about sheep, that they weren’t smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd’s job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.

He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.

Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, “If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?” He was pretty obviously indicating himself.

A silence of a few seconds followed.  Then a young visitor said, ” Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd.”

The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, “Well, then, who am I?”

The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, “I guess you must be a sheep dog.”

Humor #559

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.

“Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

—–

Then there’s the one about the Buddhist monk who went up to a hot dog vendor and ordered a hot dog.

The vendor asked him, “How do you want it?”

And the monk said, “I want it to be ‘one with everything’,” and hands him a $20 bill.

The vendor then gives him his hot dog and continues on with his business.

The monk asks, “Where is my change?”

And the vendor replies, “Change must come from within.”

—–

 The new office computer system was down as much as it was working. Cathy decided to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had accumulated. On her way home, a police officer stopped her for speeding. “What a perfect end to an awful day!” she exclaimed. “Our computer is up, then down — up, then down. I stay late to catch up, and now this!”

The officer was unaffected by Cathy’s griping and he went to his car to prepare a citation. After what seemed an eternity, he returned with her license and registration. As he handed them to her, he smiled and said, “Our computer is down.”

—–

“What’s the usual tip?” a man growled when a University of South Carolina student delivered his pizza.

“Well,” the student replied, “this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I’d be doing great.”

“That so?” grunted the man. “In that case, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” the student said, “I’ll put it in my college fund.”

“By the way, what are you studying?”

“Applied psychology.”

Humor #558

We had built our dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them.  Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.

“Finally!” I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house.  “I’ve been waiting twelve years for this!”

“Don’t blame me, lady,” he said.  “I just got the order this morning.”

—–

For months Bill had been Lynn’s devoted admirer.  Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions.

“There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,” Bill began, “but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows.”

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn’s eyes.  Then she nodded in agreement.  Finally, Lynn responded,

“I think it’s a great idea!  Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?”

—–

One day a gentleman walked into one of Ben Franklin’s book stores. As one of the clerks went to assist him, the gentleman asked the clerk the price of the book he wished to purchase. The young clerk looked at the price posted on the book and said, “That book is one dollar, sir.”

The gentleman began to haggle with the clerk over the price. The clerk assured him that the correct price for the book was one dollar and no lower. As the man realized that his efforts to haggle with the clerk were going nowhere, he insisted on speaking with Ben Franklin directly.

Franklin stopped his work and walked out to the storefront. The gentleman asked him, “What is the price of this book?”

Franklin answered, “One dollar and a quarter.”

The gentleman was confused and replied, “Your clerk just said it was a dollar.”

Franklin looked at the book again and answered, “Yes, it was a dollar. But now you’re wasting my time.”