Humor #446

A couple of goobers in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.

One of them walked into the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

“All right. How long do you need them?”

The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”

After a while, he returned to the office and said,

“A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

—–

USEFUL WORK CULTURE TIPS

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.

People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria.

People with a newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the bathroom.

Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

—–

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and asked, “To draw out all his savings?”

—–

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, “You’re in luck — two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker.”

The man quickly responds, “The attorney’s.”

The doctor says, “Wait! Don’t you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?”

The man says, “I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney probably never used his. So I’ll take the attorney’s heart!”

Humor #443

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
“Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained.
“He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.”
“He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening.”
—–
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, “You have a cute baby.”
Smiling, I said, “I’ll bet you say that to all the new parents.”
“No,” he replied, “just to those whose babies are really good-looking.”
“So what do you say to the others?” I asked.
“He looks just like you.”
—–
Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.
When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.
The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.
“Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?” Johnny’s mother asked.
“I couldn’t find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter,” he replied.
His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added: “Don’t get excited, Ma, I used the old one!”
—–
A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still-shaking driver said, “I’m sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.”
The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.
The driver replied, “Will the saints in Heaven forgive me — it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

 

Humor #441

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly.

“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

—–

 We’ve always tried to instill in our children God’s desire that they respect and obey their parents. One morning, following an evening of explaining the Golden Rule to my preschool daughter, Katie, I quizzed her.

“What’s the Golden Rule?” I asked.

With a look of exasperation she replied, “I know, I know. You’re the mommy!”

—–

Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, “Okay, I’m ready to hear the evidence…I’ll hear the oldest first.”

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

—–

A man, responsible for the overall closing of a military base, was reviewing voluminous files. He found some old records that were of no possible value and sent a letter to Washington requesting permission to destroy them.

The reply he received read as follows: “Permission is given to destroy the records, but please make triplicate copies of them first.”

—–

 A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

“Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as peculiar as that!”

“What’s so peculiar about it?” the bartender said. “His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”

Humor #440

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: “I am perfectly well.”

A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel…collect…on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:

“This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind.”

—–

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work. “Did you read the paper?” he asked. “I’m not going in to work tomorrow. I’m calling in fat.”

—–

A class was taken on a fishing boat for a field trip, and the teacher, in an attempt to lessen fears of big fish, stated, “There are no fish big enough to swallow people.”

“But how about the fish that swallowed Jonah I learned about in Sunday school?” asked one little boy.

“You can’t believe everything you’re told,” responded the teacher.

“I’ll ask Jonah when I get to heaven,” he replied.

“What if Jonah didn’t go to heaven?” prodded his teacher.

“Then you ask him,” was the reply.

—–

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”

“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I couldn’t spell convenience, so I made it risk.”

—–

During a road trip, I stopped in a small town to grab a bite to eat. I walked into a local pizza place and the first thing I noticed was a sign on the wall advising: “Price. Quality. Service. Pick Any Two.”

—–

I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts.

After visiting several homes, she commented on the different styles of doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled. We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound like.

At the precise moment she touched the doorbell at one house, the church tower began to chime. She wheeled around with a look of amazement on her face. “Now that’s a doorbell!”

 

Humor #439

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote “The Hokie Pokey” died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. That’s when the trouble started…

—–

“Buying your wife a matching belt and bag for Valentines Day is NOT a good idea if they fit the vacuum cleaner.”

—–

As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

“They’re so thoughtful,” Barb said. “Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning.”

After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David’s loving parents, and even the coffee in bed.

“Tell me,” she said, “does it run in the family?”

“It sure does,” replied David. “And I take after my mom.”

—–

 

Shampoo Warning

I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!

I use this (they say not to use) shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

          “FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.”

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads,

         “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”

Problem solved!

If I don’t answer the phone, I’ll be in the shower!

—–

They’ve closed a road near where I live in order to repair a collapsed sewer-pipe. The construction workers have put up a sign saying:

ROAD CLOSED

But, since the actual road closure is not apparent until you go around a bend, a lot of drivers go just to see if the road is *really* closed.

After they see that the road really is closed, they start making their way back. Their embarrassment is made worse by another sign right behind the ROAD CLOSED sign, but facing them on their return. The new sign reads:

TOLD YOU SO!

Humor #438

I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.

The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but I was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught up in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder and harder, and the horse just wouldn’t stop or slow down.

Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager saved the day and unplugged the ride.

—–

RANDOM ACTS OF THINKING

I want to become a vegetarian, but I’m not sure I can quit eating meat cold turkey.

I wear glasses. Doesn’t that mean that *everything* I see is an optical illusion?

I paid my psychiatrist with a reality check.

Do fishermen live in the reel world?

You want to know a really, really hugely annoyingly bad habit? Over-exaggeration.

I may not be a great artist, but I am really good at drawing a blank.

My wife and I love each other. I rub her back and she massages my ego.

When he who lives in a glass house invites he who is without sin for dinner, bad things can happen.

You can’t stop progress, but you can unplug a good chunk of it.

A chrysanthemum by any other name … would be easier to spell.

Some days the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.

My life no longer needs an extreme makeover. Now it just needs a complete do over.

A friend of mine has a nose ring. She keeps the volume pretty low, though, and sets it to “vibrate” at the movies.

I’m not too handy with tools. I once got my finger caught in a screwdriver.

Yesterday I pushed my luck. It was clearly too weak to move by itself.

—–

 

Humor #437

After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic.

“Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!” she said as she shook the older boy in anger.

“We were just playing ‘church’ mommy,” he said.

“I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.”

—–

Last week when I went to the doctor, the kindly gentleman asked the question I knew he was going to ask: “Now, what are we planning to do about that excess weight you’re carrying around?”

“I don’t know, doc. You want to haul it around for a while?”

“Be serious.”

“I am serious. Look, it just must be an overactive thyroid.”

“No, your thyroid’s perfectly normal. If there’s anything overactive, it’s your fork!”

—–

Father O’Malley answers the phone…

“Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”

“It is.”

“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”

“I can.”

“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”

“I do.”

“Is he a member of your congregation?”

“He is.”

“Did he donate $10,000.00?”

(pause)

“He will.”

—–

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened.

When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.

“Ma,” he shouted, “the results are in. I won the election!”

“Honestly?” she replied.

The politician’s smiled faded. “Aw, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?”

—–

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.

By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, “Well, I’ll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!”

“Don’t worry, ma’am,” replied the clerk. “With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you’ll be home in no time.

—–

You know times are tough when you order a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asks, “Can you afford fries with that?”

—–

When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded.

I went up to the hostess and asked, “Will it be long?” The hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book.

I asked again, “How much of a wait?”

The woman looked up from her book and said, “About ten minutes.”

A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: “Willette B. Long, your table is now ready.”