Humor #421

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during this exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

  1. “Take it easy, Doc You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!”
  2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
  3. “Can you hear me NOW?”
  4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
  5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
  6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
  7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”
  8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
  9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!
  10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
  11. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
  12. “God, Now I know why I am not gay.”

And the best one of all…

  1. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there.”
Advertisements

Humor #307

An expert witness in the healthcare profession has come across the following quotes from actual medical records dictated by physicians. For you MDs, excuse me!

* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

* Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

* The patient has no past history of suicides.

* The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

* Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

* The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

* She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

* The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

* The patient refused an autopsy.

 

Humor #178

Costco Doctor
 
One day, in line at the Parliamentary cafeteria, Joe Hockey says to Malcolm Turnbull behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”
“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mal replies. “There’s a new diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs 5 dollars – A lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits 5 dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample…. He pours the sample into the slot and waits..

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe Hockey began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits 5 dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours… Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Costco!

Humor #121

Medical Definitions

ANTIBODY – against everyone

BENIGN – what you be after you be eight

BOWEL – letters like a,e,i,o,u

CAESARIAN SECTION – a district in Rome

CAT SCAN – searching for lost kitty

CHRONIC – neck of a crow

COMA – punctuation mark

CORTISONE – area around local courthouse

CYST – short for sister

DIAGNOSIS – person with a slanted nose

DILATE – the late British princess

DISLOCATION – in this place

DUODENUM – couple in jeans

ENEMA – not a friend

FALSE LABOR – pretending to work

GALL BLADDER – bladder in a girl

GENES – blue denim

HERNIA – she is close by

HYMEN – greeting to several males

IMPOTENT – distinguished, well-known

LABOR PAIN – hurt at work

LACTOSE – person without digits on the foot

LIPOSUCTION – a French kiss

LYMPH – walk unsteadily

MICROBES – small dressing gowns

OBESITY – city of Obe

PROTEIN – in favour of teens

PULSE – grain

PUS – small cat

RED BLOOD COUNT – Dracula

SECRETION – hiding anything

SERUM – sailors’ drink

SUBCUTANEOUS – not cute enough

TABLET – small table

TUMOR – extra pair

ULTRASOUND – radical noise