Humor #483

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ATTAINABLE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

This year, I resolve to…

– Procrastinate

– Gain weight; at least 30 pounds.

– Stop exercising; waste of time.

– Read less; makes you think.

– Watch more TV; I’ve been missing some good stuff.

– Procrastinate more; starting tomorrow.

– Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

– Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

– Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

– Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

– Don’t have eight children at once.

– Get in a whole NEW rut!

– Start being superstitious.

– Personal goal: bring back disco.

– Don’t bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

– Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

– Get the windows tinted.  Buy some fur for the dash.

– Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

– Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

– Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

– Don’t eat cloned meat.

– Create loose ends.

– Get more toys.

– Get further in debt.

– Don’t believe politicians.

– Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

– Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

– Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

– Stay off the International Space Station.

– Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

– Associate with even worse business clients.

– Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

– Wait around for opportunity.

– Focus on the faults of others.

– Mope about my faults.

– Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

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Humor #294

Happy New Year!

“Resolutions – Seriously”

We all chuckle at not keeping New Year’s Resolutions but as you’ll see from some of these, a lack of self-control can really hurt you.

Here’s a look at someone’s New Year’s resolutions down through the years.

RESOLUTION #1:

2010: I will read at least 20 good books a year.

2011: I will read at least 10 books a year.

2012: I will read 5 books a year.

2013: I will finish The Pelican Brief

2014: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.

2015: I will read at least one article this year.

2016: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

 

RESOLUTION #2:

2010: I will get my weight down below 180.

2011: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.

2012: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.

2013: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2014: I will work out 5 days a week.

2015: I will work out 3 days a week.

2016: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

 

RESOLUTION #3:

2010: I will not spend my money frivolously.

2011: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.

2012: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.

2013: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2014.

2014: I will be totally out of debt by 2015.

2015: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2016.

2016: I will try to be out of the country by 2017.

 

RESOLUTION #4:

2013: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.

2014: I will not leave Marge.

2015: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.

2016: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

 

RESOLUTION #5:

2013: I will stop looking at other women.

2014: I will not get involved with Wanda.

2015: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.

2016: I will stop looking at other women.

 

RESOLUTION #6:

2013: I will not let my boss push me around.

2014: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.

2015: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.

2016: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

 

RESOLUTION #7:

2013: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.

2014: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.

2015: I will not get angry when Charlie tells the guys I wear a girdle.

2016: I will not speak to Charlie.

 

RESOLUTION #8:

2013: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.

2014: I will not touch the bottle before noon.

2015: I will not become a “problem drinker”.

2016: I will not miss any AA meetings.

 

RESOLUTION #9:

2013: I will see my dentist this year.

2014: I will have my cavities filled this year.

2015: I will have my root canal work done this year.

2016: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

 

RESOLUTION #10:

2013: I will go to church every Sunday.

2014: I will go to church as often as possible.

2015: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.

2016: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.