ATTAINABLE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
This year, I resolve to…
– Gain weight; at least 30 pounds.
– Stop exercising; waste of time.
– Read less; makes you think.
– Watch more TV; I’ve been missing some good stuff.
– Procrastinate more; starting tomorrow.
– Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
– Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
– Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
– Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
– Don’t have eight children at once.
– Get in a whole NEW rut!
– Start being superstitious.
– Personal goal: bring back disco.
– Don’t bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
– Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
– Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
– Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
– Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
– Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
– Don’t eat cloned meat.
– Create loose ends.
– Get more toys.
– Get further in debt.
– Don’t believe politicians.
– Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
– Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
– Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
– Stay off the International Space Station.
– Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
– Associate with even worse business clients.
– Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
– Wait around for opportunity.
– Focus on the faults of others.
– Mope about my faults.
– Never make New Year’s resolutions again.