Humor # 575

 

 

 

New Year’s Resolutions #2

Difficult-to-Keep New Year’s Resolutions

 

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!”

Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.

I will try to figure out why I “really” need five Facebook accounts.

I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.

Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!

I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.

I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.

I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.

Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.

Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.

Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them.

I will think of a password other than “password.”

 

Humor # 574

New Years Resolutions

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My New Year’s resolution is 1080p.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

I have only one resolution: to rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

I’ll remember 2018 like it was yesterday.

Dear Luck, can we be friends in 2015, please?

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2018 and a beautiful beginning into 2019.

Every year I make a resolution to change myself — this year I’m making a resolution to be myself!

I’m planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2019.

My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s Resolutions — that way I succeed at something!

New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.

I’m actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

My 2019 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.

Tonight the mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.

Humor # 576

ATTAINABLE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

This year, I resolve to…

– Procrastinate

– Gain weight; at least 30 pounds.

– Stop exercising; waste of time.

– Read less; makes you think.

– Watch more TV; I’ve been missing some good stuff.

– Procrastinate more; starting tomorrow.

– Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

– Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

– Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

– Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

– Don’t have eight children at once.

– Get in a whole NEW rut!

– Start being superstitious.

– Personal goal: bring back disco.

– Don’t bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

– Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

– Get the windows tinted.  Buy some fur for the dash.

– Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

– Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

– Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

– Don’t eat cloned meat.

– Create loose ends.

– Get more toys.

– Get further in debt.

– Don’t believe politicians.

– Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

– Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

– Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

– Stay off the International Space Station.

– Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

– Associate with even worse business clients.

– Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

– Wait around for opportunity.

– Focus on the faults of others.

– Mope about my faults.

– Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

Humor #483

happynewyearfireworkspompomlots

ATTAINABLE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

This year, I resolve to…

– Procrastinate

– Gain weight; at least 30 pounds.

– Stop exercising; waste of time.

– Read less; makes you think.

– Watch more TV; I’ve been missing some good stuff.

– Procrastinate more; starting tomorrow.

– Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

– Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

– Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

– Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

– Don’t have eight children at once.

– Get in a whole NEW rut!

– Start being superstitious.

– Personal goal: bring back disco.

– Don’t bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

– Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

– Get the windows tinted.  Buy some fur for the dash.

– Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

– Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

– Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

– Don’t eat cloned meat.

– Create loose ends.

– Get more toys.

– Get further in debt.

– Don’t believe politicians.

– Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

– Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

– Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

– Stay off the International Space Station.

– Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

– Associate with even worse business clients.

– Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

– Wait around for opportunity.

– Focus on the faults of others.

– Mope about my faults.

– Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

Humor #391

Attainable New Year’s Resolutions

This year, I resolve to…

– Procrastinate

– Gain weight; at least 30 pounds.

– Stop exercising; waste of time.

– Read less; makes you think.

– Watch more TV; I’ve been missing some good stuff.

– Procrastinate more; starting tomorrow.

– Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

– Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

– Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

– Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

– Don’t have eight children at once.

– Get in a whole NEW rut!

– Start being superstitious.

– Personal goal: bring back disco.

– Don’t bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

– Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

– Get the windows tinted.  Buy some fur for the dash.

– Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

– Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

– Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

– Don’t eat cloned meat.

– Create loose ends.

– Get more toys.

– Get further in debt.

– Don’t believe politicians.

– Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

– Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

– Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

– Stay off the International Space Station.

– Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

– Associate with even worse business clients.

– Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

– Wait around for opportunity.

– Focus on the faults of others.

– Mope about my faults.

– Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

Humor #390

happynewyearfireworkspompomlots

(A repost as we think of our New Year’s resolutions to exercise.)

TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY EXERCISES

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn’t want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge.

01) Beating around the bush

02) Jumping to conclusions

03) Climbing the walls

04) Swallowing my pride

05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing my weight around

07) Dragging my heels

08) Pushing my luck

09) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow

17) Tooting my own horn

18) Climbing the ladder of success

19) Pulling out the stops

20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms

22) Putting my foot in my mouth

23) Starting the ball rolling

24) Going over the edge

25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! What a workout! I think I’ll exercise my caution now, and sit down.

Humor #294

Happy New Year!

“Resolutions – Seriously”

We all chuckle at not keeping New Year’s Resolutions but as you’ll see from some of these, a lack of self-control can really hurt you.

Here’s a look at someone’s New Year’s resolutions down through the years.

RESOLUTION #1:

2010: I will read at least 20 good books a year.

2011: I will read at least 10 books a year.

2012: I will read 5 books a year.

2013: I will finish The Pelican Brief

2014: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.

2015: I will read at least one article this year.

2016: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

 

RESOLUTION #2:

2010: I will get my weight down below 180.

2011: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.

2012: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.

2013: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2014: I will work out 5 days a week.

2015: I will work out 3 days a week.

2016: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

 

RESOLUTION #3:

2010: I will not spend my money frivolously.

2011: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.

2012: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.

2013: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2014.

2014: I will be totally out of debt by 2015.

2015: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2016.

2016: I will try to be out of the country by 2017.

 

RESOLUTION #4:

2013: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.

2014: I will not leave Marge.

2015: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.

2016: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

 

RESOLUTION #5:

2013: I will stop looking at other women.

2014: I will not get involved with Wanda.

2015: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.

2016: I will stop looking at other women.

 

RESOLUTION #6:

2013: I will not let my boss push me around.

2014: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.

2015: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.

2016: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

 

RESOLUTION #7:

2013: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.

2014: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.

2015: I will not get angry when Charlie tells the guys I wear a girdle.

2016: I will not speak to Charlie.

 

RESOLUTION #8:

2013: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.

2014: I will not touch the bottle before noon.

2015: I will not become a “problem drinker”.

2016: I will not miss any AA meetings.

 

RESOLUTION #9:

2013: I will see my dentist this year.

2014: I will have my cavities filled this year.

2015: I will have my root canal work done this year.

2016: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

 

RESOLUTION #10:

2013: I will go to church every Sunday.

2014: I will go to church as often as possible.

2015: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.

2016: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.