Humor #661

(As we think of our New Year’s resolutions to exercise…)

TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY EXERCISES

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn’t want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge.

01) Beating around the bush

02) Jumping to conclusions

03) Climbing the walls

04) Swallowing my pride

05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing my weight around

07) Dragging my heels

08) Pushing my luck

09) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow

17) Tooting my own horn

18) Climbing the ladder of success

19) Pulling out the stops

20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms

22) Putting my foot in my mouth

23) Starting the ball rolling

24) Going over the edge

25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! What a workout! I think I’ll exercise my caution now, and sit down.

Humor #660

New Years Resolutions

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

I have only one resolution: to rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

I’ll remember 2019 like it was yesterday.

Dear Luck, can we be friends in 2020, please?

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2019 and a beautiful beginning into 2020.

Every year I make a resolution to change myself — this year I’m making a resolution to be myself!

I’m planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2020.

My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s Resolutions — that way I succeed at something!

New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.

I’m actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

My 2020 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.

Tonight the mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.

Humor #659

Dieting – New Year Resolutions

2016: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2017: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2018: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2019: I will work out 3 days a week.

2020: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

—–

I went to my Doctor and he suggested I do some exercises. Here is my new regiment…

  1. Jump to conclusions
  2. Climb the walls
  3. Drag my heels
  4. Push my luck
  5. Make mountains out of molehills
  6. Bend over backwards
  7. Run in circles
  8. Put my foot in my mouth

—–

The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it.

After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny’s had an odd element in it.

“Johnny, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?

“It’s the flea, teacher.”

“What flea?” asked the teacher.

To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse: “Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt. There’s Mary; there’s Jesus; and there’s the flea.”

—–

I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband.

He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I had hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker.

—–

 

 

Humor # 575

 

 

 

New Year’s Resolutions #2

Difficult-to-Keep New Year’s Resolutions

 

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!”

Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.

I will try to figure out why I “really” need five Facebook accounts.

I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.

Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!

I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.

I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.

I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.

Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.

Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.

Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them.

I will think of a password other than “password.”

 

Humor # 574

New Years Resolutions

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My New Year’s resolution is 1080p.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

I have only one resolution: to rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

I’ll remember 2018 like it was yesterday.

Dear Luck, can we be friends in 2015, please?

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2018 and a beautiful beginning into 2019.

Every year I make a resolution to change myself — this year I’m making a resolution to be myself!

I’m planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2019.

My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s Resolutions — that way I succeed at something!

New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.

I’m actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

My 2019 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.

Tonight the mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.

Humor # 576

ATTAINABLE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

This year, I resolve to…

– Procrastinate

– Gain weight; at least 30 pounds.

– Stop exercising; waste of time.

– Read less; makes you think.

– Watch more TV; I’ve been missing some good stuff.

– Procrastinate more; starting tomorrow.

– Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

– Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

– Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

– Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

– Don’t have eight children at once.

– Get in a whole NEW rut!

– Start being superstitious.

– Personal goal: bring back disco.

– Don’t bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

– Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

– Get the windows tinted.  Buy some fur for the dash.

– Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

– Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

– Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

– Don’t eat cloned meat.

– Create loose ends.

– Get more toys.

– Get further in debt.

– Don’t believe politicians.

– Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

– Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

– Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

– Stay off the International Space Station.

– Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

– Associate with even worse business clients.

– Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

– Wait around for opportunity.

– Focus on the faults of others.

– Mope about my faults.

– Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

Humor #483

happynewyearfireworkspompomlots

ATTAINABLE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

This year, I resolve to…

– Procrastinate

– Gain weight; at least 30 pounds.

– Stop exercising; waste of time.

– Read less; makes you think.

– Watch more TV; I’ve been missing some good stuff.

– Procrastinate more; starting tomorrow.

– Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

– Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

– Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

– Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

– Don’t have eight children at once.

– Get in a whole NEW rut!

– Start being superstitious.

– Personal goal: bring back disco.

– Don’t bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

– Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

– Get the windows tinted.  Buy some fur for the dash.

– Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

– Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

– Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

– Don’t eat cloned meat.

– Create loose ends.

– Get more toys.

– Get further in debt.

– Don’t believe politicians.

– Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

– Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

– Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

– Stay off the International Space Station.

– Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

– Associate with even worse business clients.

– Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

– Wait around for opportunity.

– Focus on the faults of others.

– Mope about my faults.

– Never make New Year’s resolutions again.