Humor #366

The New Alphabet for Older People

 

A is for arthritis

B is for bad back

C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline

E is for eyesight–can’t read that top line

F is for fissures and fluid retention

G is for gas (which I’d rather not mention)

   And other gastrointestinal glitches

H is high blood pressure

I is for itches

J is for joints that are failing to flex

L  for libido–what happened to sex?

Wait!  I forgot about K for bad knees

(I’ve got a few gaps in my M-memory)

N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis

O is for osteo-

P is for porosis

Q is for queasiness. Fatal?  Just flu?

R is for reflux–one meal becomes two

S is for sleepless nights counting my fears

T is for tinnitus–bells in my ears

U is for difficulties urinary

V is for vertigo

W is worry

About what the X–as in X-ray–will find

But though the word “terminal” rushes to mind,

I’m proud, as each

Y – year – goes by, to reveal

A reservoir of undiminished

Z – zeal—

For checking the symptoms my body’s deployed,

And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed.

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Humor #333

Games Old People Play

1. Sag, you’re It.

2. Hide and go wee.

3. Twenty questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

 

Humor #79

 “You are not a kid anymore when you are obsessed with the thermostat.”
~Jeff Foxworthy

 Aging . . .

 ~ Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

 ~ There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

 ~ You’re getting old when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

 ~ Middle age is when work is a lot less fun–and fun is a lot more work.

 ~ Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

~ You know you’re getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

 ~ Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

 ~ By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.

 ~ Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

 ~ A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

 ~ You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

 ~ The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

 ~ You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.

 ~ You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.

 ~ The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

 ~ Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

 ~ It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.

 ~ You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

 ~ Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

 ~ When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

 ~ You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can’t remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down

Humor #58

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, ‘How old was your husband?’ ’98,’ she replied… ‘Two years older than me’ ‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented..

She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

—–

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked.. She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

—–

I’ve sure gotten old!

I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

—–

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

—–

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed.

‘Why Wal-Mart?’ ‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week’

—–

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

—–

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

—–

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

—–

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’

—–

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

—–

Always Remember This: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old,—————-You grow old because you stop laughing.