Humor #498

Puns and Such

If Santa Claus had a father, do you think there must have been a Grandfather Claus?

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
(Aesop, 620 BC – 560 BC)

I always prayed before my trigonometry tests. I was hoping for a sine from above.
(Pun of the Day)

Why do crazy people always jump off the tops of buildings to see if they can fly? Wouldn’t it be safer to try to fly UP to the top?
(Aaron Luchich in Ruminations)

Q: What’s the difference between a church bell and a politician?
A: A church bell peals from the steeple.
(Stan Kegel’s Puns of the Day)

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.

“Nothing raises a golf score like witnesses.” (from a fortune cookie)

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?  (BWJokes.com)

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations.
Something is very wrong when you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree.

I’m trying to save my money. Who knows? One day it may be valuable.

It’s amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner.

Overheard on the Pediatrics floor: “Are you medical or surgical?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Were you sick when you came in here, or did they make you sick when you got here?”

I used to try a lot of different sports when I was a kid, without ever excelling in any particular one. Then I got older and realized you can *buy* trophies. Now I’m good at everything.   (Demetri Martin)

This car: designed by computer, built by robot, driven by moron.

Billboard for a safe company: “If your stuff is stolen, it’s not our vault.”

Humor #317

Funny Puns and One-Liners

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

Humor #224

Puns #2

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

15. The tiny fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count
that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, Im sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger.

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says
Dam!

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you cant have your
kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other
says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that
at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Humor #223

Puns #1

1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was
a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: You stay here; I’ll go on a head.

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

Humor #190

PUN–ishment

Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.

Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Humor #182

Punny Tweets

List of puns posted by Twitter User @Merentia (from Cape Town) with hashtag #HaveAGoodPunnyThursday

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn’t have much of a plot.

The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn’t resistor.

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I thought she had PMS, but she was just ovary acting.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.

Humor #155

Construction Site Murder

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once, but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claimed that he didn’t do anything, but he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation, and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once, but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he got stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker was an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Humor #114

Puns for those with  slightly higher IQ.

Those who  jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man’s home  is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu – the  same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading  while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

What’s the definition of a will?
(It’s a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts.
In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist,
You get repossessed

With her marriage,
She got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local  Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted –
Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you’ve seen one shopping centre,
You’ve seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Humor #92

THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA…… FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
(This one took me a minute)

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, ‘GUIDE DOGS ONLY’, THE DOGS CAN’T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

Humor #82

 During one of our weekly weight-loss classes, the group leader was extolling the merits of the program’s prepared-food products.

 She raved about the rich, delicious flavor of the imitation chocolate fudge and the nondairy pops, assuring us that we could eat them without the least fear of ruining our diets.

 The woman next to me nodded her head emphatically and then whispered, “They’re even better when you spread peanut butter on them!”

 —–

 A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school.

 A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn’t believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.

 “Cartwheels,” Gregory answered.

 —–

 Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, “Are you eating your little sister’s grapes?” I demanded.

 “No,” she innocently replied, “I’m helping her share.”

 —–

  Clean Puns

 “Trousers: an unusual word. Singular at the top; plural at the bottom.”

 

 Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?

It’s called On & On Anon.

 

 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.

He told me to quit going to those places.

 —–

 One Liners

 “If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!”

 “The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.”

 “The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.”

 —–

 “E-Parenting”

 Debbie wasn’t home, and it was getting awfully late. Not knowing any of her girlfriend’s phone numbers, her Mother fired-up Debbie’s computer and saw a list of email addresses.

 She sent a note to each name asking if they knew where her daughter was.

 Within twenty minutes, she got back 16 replies all saying that she wasn’t to worry, that Debbie was spending the night at their house and had neglected to telephone.

 —–

 Although our daughter Beverly went to nursery school, she felt a little jealous that her older sister could read. One day Beverly asked Grandpa if he would like to hear her read. Picking up her Bible she began, “And Jesus said, ‘Little pig, little pig, let me come in.'”

 —–

 The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door.

 Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”