Humor #755

“Resolutions – Seriously”

We all chuckle at not keeping New Year’s Resolutions but as you’ll see from some of these, a lack of self-control can really hurt you.

Here’s a look at someone’s New Year’s resolutions down through the years.

RESOLUTION #1:

2015: I will read at least 20 good books a year.

2016: I will read at least 10 books a year.

2017: I will read 5 books a year.

2018: I will finish The Pelican Brief

2019: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.

2020: I will read at least one article this year.

2021: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

2015: I will get my weight down below 180.

2016: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.

2017: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.

2018: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2019: I will work out 5 days a week.

2020: I will work out 3 days a week.

2021: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:

2015: I will not spend my money frivolously.

2016: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.

2017: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.

2018: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2019.

2019: I will be totally out of debt by 2020.

2020: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2021.

2021: I will try to be out of the country by 2022.

RESOLUTION #4:

2018: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.

2019: I will not leave Marge.

2020: I will try for reconciliation with Marge.

2021: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

RESOLUTION #5:

2018: I will stop looking at other women.

2019: I will not get involved with Wanda.

2020: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.

2021: I will stop looking at other women.

RESOLUTION #6:

2018: I will not let my boss push me around.

2019: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.

2020: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.

2021: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

RESOLUTION #7:

2018: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.

2019: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.

2020: I will not get angry when Charlie tells the guys I wear a girdle.

2021: I will not speak to Charlie.

RESOLUTION #8:

2018: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.

2019: I will not touch the bottle before noon.

2020: I will not become a “problem drinker”.

2021: I will not miss any AA meetings.

RESOLUTION #9:

2018: I will see my dentist this year.

2019: I will have my cavities filled this year.

2020: I will have my root canal work done this year.

2021: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

RESOLUTION #10:

2018: I will go to church every Sunday.

2019: I will go to church as often as possible.

2020: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.

2021: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

Humor # 576

(As we think of our New Year’s resolutions to exercise…)

TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY EXERCISES

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn’t want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge.

01) Beating around the bush

02) Jumping to conclusions

03) Climbing the walls

04) Swallowing my pride

05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing my weight around

07) Dragging my heels

08) Pushing my luck

09) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow

17) Tooting my own horn

18) Climbing the ladder of success

19) Pulling out the stops

20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms

22) Putting my foot in my mouth

23) Starting the ball rolling

24) Going over the edge

25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! What a workout! I think I’ll exercise my caution now, and sit down.

Humor #295

(A repost from October as we think of our New Year’s resolutions to exercise.)

TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY EXERCISES

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn’t want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge.

01) Beating around the bush

02) Jumping to conclusions

03) Climbing the walls

04) Swallowing my pride

05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing my weight around

07) Dragging my heels

08) Pushing my luck

09) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow

17) Tooting my own horn

18) Climbing the ladder of success

19) Pulling out the stops

20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms

22) Putting my foot in my mouth

23) Starting the ball rolling

24) Going over the edge

25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! What a workout! I think I’ll exercise my caution now, and sit down.