Humor #484

Observations on Growing Older

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU’LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

~Your kids are becoming you…and you don’t like them…but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!

~When people say you look “Great”… they add “for your age!”

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything… movies, hotels, flights, but you’re too tired to use them.

~You forget names …. but it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys–than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything …. especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that, you don’t care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep.”

~Remember when your mother said, “Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, “I hope my kids GET married… Now, “I hope they STAY married!”

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You tend to use more 4 letter words … “what?”…”when?”… ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s now not safe to wear it.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he’s home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 p.m.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired …. you’d give anything if he’d find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet…2 of which you will never wear.

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Humor #433

PLACES I’VE BEEN AND HAVEN’T BEEN

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family, and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing.

Humor #413

SENIOR HUMOR

Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it ‘Pumping Rust.’

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.   I think you should write, ‘An ambulance.’

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have   gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Humor #381

AAADD

They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition.

Hooray!! I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it goes:

I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. Ok, I’m going to wash the car. But first I’m going to go through the mail.

I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trashcan is full. Ok, I’ll just put the bills on my desk and take the trashcan out, but since I’m going to be near the mailbox anyway, I’ll pay these few bills first.

Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there’s only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk.

Oh, there’s the coke I was drinking. I’m going to look for those checks.
But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, oh maybe I’ll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I’d better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flowerpots – – Aaaaaagh!

Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We’ll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I’d better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do.

End of Day: The car isn’t washed, the bills are unpaid, and the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can’t seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I’m baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a serious condition and I’ll get help, BUT FIRST I think I’ll check my e-mail…

Humor #366

The New Alphabet for Older People

 

A is for arthritis

B is for bad back

C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline

E is for eyesight–can’t read that top line

F is for fissures and fluid retention

G is for gas (which I’d rather not mention)

   And other gastrointestinal glitches

H is high blood pressure

I is for itches

J is for joints that are failing to flex

L  for libido–what happened to sex?

Wait!  I forgot about K for bad knees

(I’ve got a few gaps in my M-memory)

N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis

O is for osteo-

P is for porosis

Q is for queasiness. Fatal?  Just flu?

R is for reflux–one meal becomes two

S is for sleepless nights counting my fears

T is for tinnitus–bells in my ears

U is for difficulties urinary

V is for vertigo

W is worry

About what the X–as in X-ray–will find

But though the word “terminal” rushes to mind,

I’m proud, as each

Y – year – goes by, to reveal

A reservoir of undiminished

Z – zeal—

For checking the symptoms my body’s deployed,

And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed.

Humor #346

I’m Aging Gracefully

I’m the life of the party … even when it lasts until 8 p.m

I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid …

I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.

I’m very good at telling stories … over and over and over and over.

I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I’m so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental care …

I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians …

I’m positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.

I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.

I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy … and that’s just my left leg.

I’m having trouble remembering simple words like …

I’m now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.

I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies!

I’m anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory …

I’m walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

I’m going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors: absolutely nothing!

I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I’m in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’S, AARP.

I’m supporting all movements now … by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.

I’m a walking storeroom of facts … I’ve just lost the storeroom.

I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send it to many more! You didn’t, did you???????

Humor #345

Senior Ramblings

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can’t afford one so I’m wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it “Pumping Rust.”

I have gotten that dreaded “furniture disease.” My chest is falling into my drawers!

I know when people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I wanted to say, “No, it’s for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “A Good Doctor!”

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me… they are cramming for finals.

As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.