Humor #649

Top 10 Signs You’re Over the Hill

1. When you sleep, people worry you’re dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. Your best friend is dating someone half his age and isn’t breaking any laws.

4. You wear black socks with sandals.

5. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

7. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

8. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

9. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.

10. You forget that you already had your 50th birthday.

Humor #642

Observations on Growing Older #3

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU’LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he’s home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 p.m.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your Spouse has retired …. you’d give anything if he’d find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet…2 of which you will never wear.

Humor #641

Observations on Growing Older #2

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU’LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that, you don’t care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep.”

~Remember when your mother said, “Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, “I hope my kids GET married… Now, “I hope they STAY married!”

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You tend to use more 4 letter words … “what?”…”when?”… ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s now not safe to wear it.

Humor #640

Observations on Growing Older #1

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU’LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

~Your kids are becoming you…and you don’t like them…but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!

~When people say you look “Great”… they add “for your age!”

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything… movies, hotels, flights, but you’re too tired to use them.

~You forget names …. but it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys–than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything …. especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.

Humor #601

Old people look at things differently

  1. My goal for 2019 was to lose just 10 pounds . . . I now have only 15 to go.
  2. I had a salad for dinner . . it was mostly croutons & tomatoes . .  really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce . . and cheese . . okay, fine, it was a pizza . . I had a pizza for dinner.
  3. How to prepare Tofu in two steps:  1)  Throw it in the trash; 2)  Grill some Meat.
  4. I did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
  5. I don’t mean to brag but . . . I finished my 14-day diet meals in 3 hours and 20 minutes .
  6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
  7. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
  8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
  9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school?  Me neither.
  10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented . . . . I forgot where I was going with this.
  11. Even though I’m over 70, I learn something new every day . . .however, I forget 5 other things.
  12. A thief broke into my house last night and was searching for money . . .  when I woke up, we searched together.

Humor #591

The New Alphabet for Older People

A is for arthritis

B is for bad back

C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline

E is for eyesight–can’t read that top line

F is for fissures and fluid retention

G is for gas (which I’d rather not mention)

   And other gastrointestinal glitches

H is high blood pressure

I is for itches

J is for joints that are failing to flex

L  for libido–what happened to sex?

Wait!  I forgot about K for bad knees

(I’ve got a few gaps in my M-memory)

N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis

O is for osteo-

P is for porosis

Q is for queasiness. Fatal?  Just flu?

R is for reflux–one meal becomes two

S is for sleepless nights counting my fears

T is for tinnitus–bells in my ears

U is for difficulties urinary

V is for vertigo

W is worry

About what the X–as in X-ray–will find

But though the word “terminal” rushes to mind,

I’m proud, as each

Y – year – goes by, to reveal

A reservoir of undiminished

Z – zeal—

For checking the symptoms my body’s deployed,

And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed.

Humor #484

Observations on Growing Older

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU’LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

~Your kids are becoming you…and you don’t like them…but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!

~When people say you look “Great”… they add “for your age!”

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything… movies, hotels, flights, but you’re too tired to use them.

~You forget names …. but it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys–than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything …. especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that, you don’t care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep.”

~Remember when your mother said, “Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, “I hope my kids GET married… Now, “I hope they STAY married!”

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You tend to use more 4 letter words … “what?”…”when?”… ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s now not safe to wear it.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he’s home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 p.m.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired …. you’d give anything if he’d find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet…2 of which you will never wear.