Humor #125

You know you’re getting there (over the hill) when…

  • Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
  • You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.
  • Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
  • Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
  • Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.
  • You look forward to a dull evening.
  • Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
  • You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
  • You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
  • Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
  • At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
  • Your back goes out but you stay home.
  • When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
  • It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
  • When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
  • When happy hour is a nap.
  • When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
  • When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
  • When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
  • When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
  • Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
  • It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
  • Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
  • You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
  • The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
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Humor #94

 

SERENITY

 

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

‘And what do you think is the best thing

about being 104?’ the reporter asked…

She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

—–

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

—–

I’ve sure gotten old!

I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation;  hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

—–

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

—–

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed. ‘Why Wal-Mart?’

‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week’

—–

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

—–

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

—–

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

—–

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’

—–

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

The eyesight to tell the difference.

—–

Always Remember This:

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow Old because you stop laughing.