Humor #339

You might be a teacher if…

You believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.

You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work from 8 to 3:30 and have summers off.”

It is difficult to name your own child because there’s no name you can come up with that doesn’t bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.

You can tell it’s a full moon or if it’s going to rain, snow, hail… anything!!! without ever looking outside.

You believe, “shallow gene pool” should have its own box on a report card.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.”

When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

You have no social life between August and June.

You think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce.

You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the “lounge”.

You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U- HAUL boxes should they decide to move out of district.

You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

You can’t imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your students’ chairs with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.

Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers this question, “Why is this kid like this?”

You would choose a mammogram over a parent conference.

You think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons… and desks and chairs for that matter!

The words “I have a college debt for this?” has ever come out of your mouth.

You know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year!

~ attributed to Jeff Foxworthy

Humor #265

Subject: Teacher Arrested At Halifax International

A high school teacher was arrested today at Halifax’s Stanfield International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At the press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged  with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns;” but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every triangle.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Stephan Harper said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

Fellow Liberal colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Prime Minister.



Humor #216

Why Teachers Go Gray

These are reported to be actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

Humor #151

Teachers About To Retire

You know you’re a teacher about to retire when…

1. Fellow staff members greet you in the hall with, “Oh, stop smiling!”

2. You get up to the checkout counter at Barnes & Noble and you realize you’re buying books you won’t need next year.

3. Your file cabinets are getting lighter, and your circular file is getting heavier.

4. You find yourself saying, “Yes!” whenever an administrator or union officer asks you to be on a committee next year.

5. The custodian has complained to the principal that the trash he removes daily from your room is 10 to 20 times greater than any other room in the building – including the cafeteria.

6. The teachers in the grade below you complain about how horrible their kids are and you just smile.

7. The principal comes in for the final observation of the year and you throw a party for your class with lots of snacks, games and a visit from Frankie the clown.

8. You constantly find other teachers in your room measuring bookcases.

9. When the parent, who has complained about every teacher her kid has ever had, comes up to you and says, “My son is hoping to get you next year,” you just smile!

10. You reflect on all the wonderful moments you had influencing the lives of young people and helping them learn… and praying they’ll have caring teachers like you next year. Smile! Those unruly, wonderful young people will be voting soon!