Humor #626

TOURIST QUESTIONS #3

Here are some of the “All-Time Dumbest Questions” asked by Banff Park tourists.

On tourist facilities…

  • Do they search you at the B.C. border?
  • When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
  • Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don’t they?
  • Are there phones in Banff?
  • So it’s eight kilometers away… is that in miles? We’re on the decibel system you know.
  • Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
  • Is that 2 kilometers by foot or by car?
  • Don’t you Canadians know anything?

Humor #625

TOURIST QUESTIONS #2

Here are some of the “All-Time Dumbest Questions” asked by Banff Park tourists.

On geography…

  • Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? (while standing in the middle of Banff!)
  • Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
  • Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
  • Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
  • If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
  • Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
  • How far is Banff from Canada?
  • What’s the best way to see Canada in a day?

Humor #624

TOURIST QUESTIONS #1

Here are some of the “All-Time Dumbest Questions” asked by Banff Park tourists.

On nature…

  • How do the elk know they’re supposed to cross at the “Elk Crossing” signs?
  • At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
  • Tourist: “How do you pronounce ‘Elk’?” Park Information Staff: ” ‘Elk.'” Tourist: “Oh.”
  • Are the bears with collars tame?
  • Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
  • Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
  • Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
  • I saw an animal on the way to Banff today … Could you tell me what it was?
  • Are there birds in Canada?

Humor #433

PLACES I’VE BEEN AND HAVEN’T BEEN

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family, and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing.

Humor #238

These are actual complaints received by “Thomas Cook Vacations” from dissatisfied customers:

These are alleged to be actual complaints. I can’t verify it, but they sound real to me.

.
1. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”
2. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”
3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”
4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”
5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”
6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”
7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”
8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”
9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”
10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”
12. [My favorite. Mike] “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”
13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”
14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”
15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”
16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”
17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”
18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”
19. “My fiancé and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”