Humor #360

Church Signs

  1. “No God – No Peace? Know God – Know Peace.”
  2. “Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!”
  3. “Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.”
  4. “Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!”
  5. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: “For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.”
  6. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a sign with big red letters that said, “Open Sundays,” the church reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.”
  7. “People are like tea bags – you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.”
  8. “Fight truth decay – study the Bible daily.”
  9. “How will you spend eternity – Smoking or Non-smoking?”
  10. “Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives”
  11. “Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.”
  12. “It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin.”
  13. “Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.”
  14. “If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.”
  15. “If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”
  16. “Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.”
  17. “This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?” —– (U R)
  18. “In the dark? Follow the Son.”
  19. “Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up.”
  20. “If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.”
  21. There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARKING – FOR MEMBERS ONLY, TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED! That took care of the problem!

—–

Humor #359

Someone suffering from a “severe non-linear waterfowl issue”:

They don’t have all their ducks in a row.

—–

The Not-So-Dumb Blonde

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers (she’s blonde … it’ll be important later) came in and asked me what I’m doing.

“Shh,” I said, ” I’m a light bulb — I’m acting crazy to get a few days off, as there is an out of town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday.”

A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

“I’m a light bulb!” I exclaimed.

“You’re going crazy,” he said. “Take a few days off, and come back when you are less stressed.”

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker started following me and the boss asked where she was going.

“I can’t work in the dark,” she said.

—–

Johnny’s teacher paid a visit to his house one day. When little Johnny opened the door, she asked “Are your father and mother in, Mr. Morton?”

“They was in, but they is out now,” he answered.

The teacher gasped, “Why, Mr. Johnny Morton, it is ‘They were in, but they are out now.’ Where’s your grammar?”

“She’s upstairs taking her nap.”

—–

As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I’ve learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

When the first student had completed her time, I asked her to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, she asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”

—–

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

—–

Jill had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

“Pretty good I think,” replied Jill. “But if I go to work there, I won’t get a vacation unless I’m married.”

Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked, “Is that what they told you?”

“No,” replied Jill, “they didn’t tell me that, but on the application it said,

‘Vacation time may not be taken until you’ve had your First Anniversary.'”

—–

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

—–

Cheap olive oil: gets a lot of bad press.

—–

One day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind. His mother said, “Bobby, why are you crying?”

“Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!” little Bobby wailed.

“Why, that’s not something to cry over,” his mother told him. “That should make you laugh.”

Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, “I DID laugh!”

—–

I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge.

The girl replied, “The hot fudge only comes in one temperature, ma’am.”

—–

Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test as part of the application process. Though both of them found the test a breeze, they also both admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: “Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant.”

“How did you answer that last one?” asked Robert. “I thought it was tough at first … then I thought of Superintendent.”

“I think I got it right too,” Pete said. “But I wrote down Horticulturist.”

—–

“How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?” demanded the policeman.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan.

His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

“Aw, come now,” he said, “you don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious.”

“It isn’t?” cried the motorist.

“What happened to my boat and trailer?”

—–

Humor #258

Most mornings I go to the local YMCA to exercise. One morning there was a big man working out on the stair climbing machine. He was really climbing stairs. I did my time on the treadmill and he was still climbing. I went to another machine to continue my work out. He was still climbing. I wondered what motivated him to work so vigorously.

He finally finished and as he walked by where I was working out, I said to him, “You were really climbing those stairs.”

His reply, “Yeah, I was.”

I asked, “What were you going to do when you got to the top?”

“Grab a pie.”

—–

“Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone – that’s actually what caused many of their deaths … pillow fights.”

—–

As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified the police and he was arrested.

Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. “What happened to the drummer you had?” he asked me.

“I had him arrested,” I replied. We said good-bye and hung up.

A few minutes later my friend called back and asked, “How badly did he play?”

—–

At their tag sale, a family put all of the “junk” they just wanted to get rid of in a carton they marked “Free Box.”

Moments after they set it at the foot of the driveway, a man drove up, looked at the box, dumped its contents on the lawn, and drove off with it.

—–

The fur began to fly when my fellow airline passengers learned there was a chance they might miss their connecting flight out of Aspen. When we finally landed, I found out just how nasty things got.

Over the intercom, a harried flight attendant announced, “Those of you continuing on to L.A. wait outside next to the boarding ramp and we will have a shuttle run you over.”

—–

Some farmers were standing around shooting the breeze one day when the topic came around to animals and their distinguishing traits.

The group agreed that the dog was probably the most loyal animal and the mule was undoubtedly the most stubborn.

Farmer Jones piped in, “You know, I believe probably the friendliest animal in all God’s creation is the goose.”

The others wanted to know how he arrived at such a conclusion.

“Well,” explained Farmer Jones, “I was out standing in my corn the other day, and a whole flock of ’em came by overhead. And, do you know, every single one of ’em honked and waved!”

—–

Gramma realized that her five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day they attended a relative’s wedding.

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to her and asked,

“Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?”

—–

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied.

“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

—–

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”

“Really!?” he said. “Have you tried mouthwash?”

—–

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Humor #235

How the Internet Started (according to scripture)…

 

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was nown as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”

“YAHOO,” said Abraham.

And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

And that’s the truth.

And I know you believe it because everything ever written on the internet has always been the truth.

 

 

 

 

Humor #232

REAL DMV Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Humor #81

 When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.”

 “Look in your underwear, Grandma! ,” he advised. “Mine says I’m four.”

  —–

 A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”

 The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.

 “That’s interesting,” she said, “How do you make babies?”

 “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change “y” to “i” and add ‘es’.”

  —–

 Subject: Children’s Logic:

 Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher.

 The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”

 The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.

 “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”

  —–

 A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, “Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?”

 Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV – “The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'”

  —–

 Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie’s picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

 “The flight to Egypt.” said Jimmy.

 “I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus,” Ms Susie said. But who’s the fourth person?”

 “Oh, that’s Pontius – the Pilot.”

  —–

 A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

 “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

 “No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

 A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs”, she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

 —–

 Groaner: Emergency Kit

 Josh was helping Sally, a blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled “Emergency Repair Kit.” Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.

 Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.

 She said, “It’s part of my emergency repair kit.”

 Josh said, “I can see that, but why?”

 Sally replied, “In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires.”

 —–

 Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” posted on the door glass.

 Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register.

 He asked the store’s owner “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

 “Yep,” the proprietor answered, “That’s him.”

 The stranger couldn’t help being amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me,” he chuckled. “Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?”

 “Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”