Humor #801

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, ‘Madonna Look’ using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

Humor #800

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs.

She asked, “What are their names?”

The blonde replied, “That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex.”

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“Helllooo?” said the blonde. “They’re watch dogs…

—–

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night’s sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

“Boss,” he said, “the pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!”

“That’s all fine,” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

—–

Job hunting is stressful enough without having to answer these interview questions posed by hiring managers:

“Rate yourself on a scale of one to ten how weird you are.”

“How many basketballs can you fit in this room?”

“An apple costs 20 cents, an orange costs 40 cents, and a grapefruit costs 60 cents. How much is a pear?”

—–

One of the less difficult blanks to fill in on a job-agency’s application is “Position Wanted.”

 One job seeker wrote “Sitting.”

Humor #799

“The Rules of Bureaucracy”

1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard to understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is service.

10. There’s never enough time to do it right, but there’s always enough time to do it over.

11. Paper work is the lubricant of Bureaucracy, create another form!

12. To get your bureaucratic juices flowing – Create a form!

Love Letter From God

My Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. – Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. – Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. – Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. – Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. – Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. – Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. – Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. – Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. – Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. – Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. – Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. – Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother’s womb. – Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. – Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don’t know me. – John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. – 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. – 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. – 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. – Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. – Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. – James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. – Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. – Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. – Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. – Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. – Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. – Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. – Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. – Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. – Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. – Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. – Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. – Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. – Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. – 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. – Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb; I have carried you close to my heart. – Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. – Revelation 21:3-4

And I’ll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. – Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. – John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. – John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. – Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. – Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. – 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. – 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. – 1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. – Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. – 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. – Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I’ll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. – Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. – Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is… Will you be my child? – John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. – Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad Almighty God

Humor #798

CORRECTIONS IN THE PRINT MEDIA

– IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words “state zip code” should have read “pull rip cord.”

– Apology: I originally wrote, “Woodrow Wilson’s wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House.” I’m sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word “sheep.”

– In one edition of today’s Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley’s South-western chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

– In the City Beat section of Friday’s paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is “Dewey.” Another firefighter is nicknamed “Weirdo.” We apologize for our mistake.

– Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners’ clothing is rent — that is, torn — not rented.

– The marriage of Miss Freda van Amburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

– Sleeping on a Sealy Mattress is like sleeping on a cloud. Not clod.

– It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

– In Frank Washburn’s March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.

– There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

– Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler’s Mother, not Hitler’s, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.

– Correction — the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: “Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m.” Please correct to read “12 noon.”

– Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police farce. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

– In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

Humor #797

Question: What is Love?

Answer: The light of Life!

Question: What is Marriage?

Answer: The Bill for that Light!

—–

Alex to his friend Francis: “Yesterday was my wife’s birthday, and I asked her, ‘What gift would you like to have?’”

Francis : “What did she say?”

Alex: “She said, ‘Give me anything which has diamonds in it.’”

Francis: “So what did you give her?”

Alex: “A deck of playing cards.”

—–

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.

My wife frantically swept through my daughter’s room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.

On one side it said, “Families are Forever.”

And on the other, “Be Smart, Don’t Start.”

—–

My wife’s family and I were at a college football game. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle, the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.

Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer called a play, my niece Madison looked up at my wife and innocently asked, “Is that God talking?”

Humor #796

Short Ones

Nigerian man found dead in his apartment with $45 million in cash. He spent the last 10 years trying to share it, but no one replied to his emails.

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My wife told me she didn’t understand the science behind cloning. I replied, “That makes two of us.”

–

A short nap once in awhile can prevent old age… especially while driving.

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Why is it you never hear of someone doing something out of an UNDER abundance of caution?

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I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection. She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns.

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I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe. I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

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Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he’ll rob everyone.

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The English Language is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day. But I couldn’t find any.

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I’m single by choice; Someone else’s choice.

Humor #795

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother’s wedding dress.

The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother’s eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.

“You’re not losing a daughter,” I reminded her in time-honored fashion. “You’re gaining a son.”

“Oh, forget about that!” she said with a sob. “I used to fit into that dress!”

—–

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”

– Jerry Seinfeld

—–

Teacher: What is a synonym?

Student: A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other!

—–

Retired…

Under new management…

See spouse for details!

—–

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

Doctor: “Every two hours.”

Humor #794

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga.

She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

“No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.”

—–

A dentist was about to leave his office with his golf bag on his shoulder, when the phone rang.

“Doctor,” the caller said, “I have a terrible toothache. Can I stop by your office in a few minutes?”

“Sorry,” replied the dentist, “but I have a previous appointment to fill eighteen cavities this afternoon.”

—–

Driving to a new restaurant, a woman took several wrong turns. When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, “Why didn’t you tell me I was lost?”

“I thought you knew where you were going,” he replied. “You always know where you’re going when I’m driving.”

—–

A young seminary student went home for Christmas break. A horrible snowstorm stranded the regular minister in another town. The leaders of the congregation asked the young man to substitute for the regular minister.

The young preacher started his sermon by explaining the meaning of a substitute. “If you break a window,” he said, “and then place a piece of plywood over the hole — that’s a substitute.”

After the sermon, a well-intentioned woman wished to compliment the young man. As she enthusiastically shook his hand, she said: “You were no substitute. You were a real pane!”