Humor # 481

****JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH****

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl

Whispered to her mother,

‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”

The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color

Of happiness,

And today is the happiest day of her life.’

The child thought about this for a moment then said,

‘So why is the groom wearing black?’

—–

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about

Their fathers.

The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words

On a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,

They give him $50.’

The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad

Scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,

He calls it a song, they give him $100.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad

Scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,

He calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to

Collect all the money!’

—–

An elderly woman died last month.

Having never married, she requested no male

Pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial

Service, she wrote,

‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive,

I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’

—–

A police recruit was asked during the exam,

‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own

Mother?’

He answered, ‘Call for backup.’

—–

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why

Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .

A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.’

—–

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments

With her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to ‘Honour thy

Father and thy mother,’ she asked,

‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to

Treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,

‘Thou shall not kill..’

—–

At Sunday School they were teaching how God

Created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they

Told him

How Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying

Down as though he were ill,

And she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’ Little

Johnny responded,

‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have

A wife.’

—–

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old..

You grow old because you stop laughing!

Humor #480

The Legend of the Christmas Tree Angel

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.

Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys, and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. “I can’t believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?”

Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, “Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?”

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass…

Humor #479

Revised 12 Days of Christmas

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Humor #478

CHOCOLATE CHRISTMAS

Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care,
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer,
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds; now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
“In the morning I’ll starve…
’til I take that first bite!”

Humor #477

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: “Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:

“Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”

 —–

Eileen’s two-year-old great-grandson was excited about having his birthday in a few days. When asked how old he would be, he always said he would be four and held up four fingers.

His mother tried to explain that he would be three, that three came after two, but he wasn’t convinced.

He told her that he had to be four because when he tried to hold up three fingers, the fourth came up too.

—–

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.

“Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

 —–

On our first anniversary, after a romantic candlelit dinner, my wife, Elizabeth, emerged from the kitchen with the finishing touch: the top of our wedding cake for dessert. At the first cut, the iced layer “squeaked” at us. For an entire year, we had saved a round chunk of frosting-covered Styrofoam in our freezer.

—–

During a visit to the children’s Bible class, my preacher friend looked into their serious faces and asked, “Why do you love God?” After a moment a small voice came from the back: “I guess it just runs in the family.”

Humor #476

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.

Now you know why they call it a workstation!

 —–

 An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”

 “That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”

 “How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.

 “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

 —–

  A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon.”

 Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, “Uh-oh … I know what you’ve been doing.”

  —–

 On an airplane, the flight attendant asked a man, “Would you like dinner?”

The man responded, “What are my choices?”

The flight attendant answered, “Yes, or no.”

 —– 

As a young preacher, my small church had limited facilities, so we held baptisms in a creek.  With alligators in the area, however, that was less than ideal.

Then a minister friend suggested I bring my next group of baptismal candidates to his church for a joint baptismal service.  Naturally, I accepted.

The baptismal pool had a clear front so the congregation could see everything.  When the baptisms were finished, curtains were drawn, and I was left alone in the pool for a moment.  The building had no air conditioning, and it was quite hot.  I thought how nice it would feel to take a little dip.  I glided to one end, turned, and backstroked to the other end.

Hearing a riotous uproar in the church, I looked toward the congregation.

The curtain was down only to the top of the glass!  An astonished and amused congregation had been watching my every move.

Humor #475

Two blonds were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling beach other “professor,” and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months!

“TWO MONTHS?!” cried the bartender. “That’s ridiculous. It shouldn’t take that long!!”

“Oh yeah?” says one blond. “The box said 2-4 YEARS!”

—–

A spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.

—–

Q: Do politicians ever lie?

A: What do you think they get paid for? 

—–

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?”

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: “Guess where?”

—–

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

PUPILS: A teacher.

—–

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

“No,” the doctor said. “I did not check his pulse.”

“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” asked the lawyer.

“No I did not,” the doctor said.

“So,” said the lawyer, “when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead.”

The doctor said, “Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.”

 

Humor #474

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does.

The next day in a written test, she included this question: “My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?”

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word “Mother.”

—–

Aunt Karen is the mother of two high-spirited young girls. When I called her one morning, our conversation was constantly interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. “Could you hold on for a moment?” my aunt finally asked, putting down the phone.

Within ten seconds all I could hear was absolute silence. Then, “Okay, I’m back.”

“But it’s so quiet!” I exclaimed. “You must have complete control over those two.”

“Not really,” my aunt confessed wearily. “I’m in the closet.”

—–

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

SARAH: “HIJKLMNO”!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O! 

—–

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. “Was I getting in the tub or out?” she yells.

The 94-year-old hollers back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up to see.” She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, “Was I going up or going down?”

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful”, and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

—–

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, “What are we going to do?”

The driver says, “Don’t worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking.”

They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy’s driver’s license. And he asks him, “Have you been drinking?”

“Oh, no, sir,” the driver replies.

“I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks.

“Oh, no, sir,” the drunk answers. “We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”

“Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, “What on earth are those things on your forehead?”

“That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk. “You see, we’re both alcoholics, and we’re on the patch.”