Humor #730

My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction.

So I packed all my bags and right!

—–

I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.

Having plenty of experience with getting out food stains, I asked, “Can I bring you some club soda?”

“Young lady,” she barked, “I’ll be the judge of when I’ve had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!”

—–

After eight days of backpacking with my wife Linda, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

“Terry,” she said, “does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?”

I thought for a moment, then said, “If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?”

—–

While visiting my son on his Army base, I chatted with a colleague of his.

“What rank are you?” I asked.

“I’m relieved to say that I’ve just been promoted from captain to major.”

“Relieved? Why?”

“Because,” he replied, “my last name is Hook.”

 

Humor #729

A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise on Craigslist. Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad.

He opens the door to a small office and is knocked unconscious from behind. He wakes up tied to a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean. “Well, this sucks,” he thinks out loud.

A second man floats by, also tied to a barrel. “Tell me about it,” the second man replies. “This is worse than last year.”

—–

The Rosenthals had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage, and Mr. Rosenthal was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.

“It’s simple,” he said. “Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.”

“And you?”

“I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on.”

—–

My husband works in a former supermarket that was remodeled to accommodate professional offices. One day he overheard his receptionist giving directions over the phone.

“Remember the old grocery store?” she asked the caller. “Well, you’ll find us in the meat department

—–

I was sitting behind an enthusiastic mom at my son’s Little League game. Her boy was pitching for the opposing team and she cheered as he threw wild pitch after wild pitch.

The poor kid walked every batter. It was only the first inning and the score was 12–0. Then one batter finally hit the ball.

“Oh no,” the mom wailed. “There goes his no-hitter.”

Humor #728

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

—–

A good friend was waiting nearby while his young son prayed silently before going to bed. Suddenly the boy burst out laughing.

“Reggie!” scolded his father, “Why are you laughing during prayer?”

“But Dad,” the boy answered, “you told me that prayer is talking to God like a friend, and I just told him a joke.”

—–

Tiring of the same old buzz haircut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut. The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked where I was from.

“Trinidad,” I said.

“Is that in Arabia?”

“The Caribbean.”

She laughed, “Sorry, I never was very good at geometry.”

—–

Hailey, age four, heard a thunderstorm rumbling overhead and asked her parents and grandparents to listen to it. After the thunder stopped, Hailey told everyone to be quiet for a minute and she began to pray and asked God to stop the thunder and lightning.

Immediately after she said, “Amen,” another clap of thunder was heard.

Hailey looked up toward heaven and said, “You’re not listening!”

—–

Little Johnny’s father took him on a fishing trip to Canada.

On returning home after catching only three fish his father says, “The way I figure it each fish cost us $400!”

Little Johnny replied, “Well, at that price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more of them than we did.”

Humor #727

Common sense is not a gift, it’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

—–

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband’s obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away.

She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.”

The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words.

Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: “Pete died. Boat for sale.”

—–

A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago.

On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.

The next day, the rabbi visited 98-year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home.

“Mr. Katz, I’m asking you, as the oldest member of the community,” said the rabbi, “what is our synagogue’s custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?”

“Why do you ask?” asked Mr. Katz.

“Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down… “

“That,” said the old man, “is our custom.”

—–

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of the church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out, “Amen, Brother!”

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, “You preach it, Reverend!”

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and hollered, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS… AMEN!”

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet.

One turned to the other and said, “He’s quit preaching and now he’s meddlin’.”

Humor #726

20 Rules of Wisdom- part 2

11. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.
12. THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN YOUR HOME ARE THE PEOPLE!
13. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still; God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry
15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
16. We do not remember days, but moments. Life is moving too fast — so enjoy your precious moments.
17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it, otherwise it’s just hearsay.
18. It’s all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.
19. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. The goals and dreams you’re seeking require courage and risk taking. Learn from the turtle, it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.
20. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

 

Humor #725

20 Rules of Wisdom – Part 1

1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
2. Dear God, I have a problem, it’s me.
3. Growing old is inevitable, growing UP is optional.
4. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.
5. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
6. You do the math. Count your blessings.
7. Faith is the ability to not panic.
8. Laugh every day, it’s like inner jogging.
9. If you worry, don’t pray. If you pray…don’t worry.
10. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday.

Humor #724

I hate it when my wife says, “Are you listening to me?!”

Such a random way to start a conversation.

—–

So in retrospect, in 2015, not a single person got the answer right to, “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?”

—–

It’s a sign of the time…. it’s like being 16 again…

Gas is cheap and I’m grounded again!

—–

The minister was preaching on the evils of drink. He first said he would like to gather up all the wine and dump it into the river. Then he moved on to beer and said he would like to get all the beer and dump it into the river, and then get all other forms of alcohol and dump them into the river.

The choir director’s face began to show a worried look. The first hymn they were scheduled to sing was “Shall We Gather At the River?”

—–

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom:

Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.

Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.

Humor #723

A guy entered a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York and sat down at the bar next to another guy.

“This is a nice place, I’ve never been here before,” the first guy said.

“Oh really?” the other replied, “it’s a very special bar.”

“Why is that?”, the first guy asked.

“Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gogh, and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic.”

“Wow, that’s amazing!”, replied the first guy.

“Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and lifts you back up.”

“No way, that’s impossible”, the first guy replied.

“Not at all, watch.”

The other man walked over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opened the window, climbed over the sill and fell out. He dropped 10…20…30…40…50 feet, came to a stop and whoosh! He came right back up and sailed back through the window.

“See, it’s fun. You should try it”, he said.

“Try it? I don’t even believe I saw it!” the first man shouted.

“It’s easy. Watch, I’ll do it again.” And with that, he fell out of the window again. Again, he dropped 10…20…30…40…50 feet, came to a stop and whoosh, he came right back up and sailed back through the window.

“Go ahead, give it a try, it’s a blast!”, he said.

“Well, what the heck, OK…I’ll give it a try,” the first man said and proceeded to fall out the window. He fell 10…20…30…40…50…100…200…300…500…1000 feet and SPLAT!!!!

After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closed the window and headed back to the bar and ordered another drink.

The bartender arrives with the drink and said, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you drink!”