Humor #250

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him.

The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn’t move an inch. So what was that for, he asked.

Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.

—–

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

‘Fishing,’ replied the old man.
‘Poor old fool’ thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man him in for a drink.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught today?’

‘You’re the eighth.’

—–

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.

The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

“Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

“Money or another miracle else no drink,” says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”

“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

—–

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, “No way buddy you’re too drunk.”

A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs, “give me a drink”, bartender says “No man I told you last time you’re too drunk”

Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, “You’re too drunk”

The drunk scratches his head and says “Damn I must be… the last two places said the same thing.”

—–

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, “What will it be?”
The man replied “a burger and a coke.” “And you?” “I’ll have the same,” the ostrich replies.

They finish their meal and pay. “That will be $4.50,” The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.

“The usual?” she asked. “No, today is Friday. I’ll have steak and a coke.”
“Me too.” says the ostrich. They finish and pay.

“That will be $10.95”

The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. “How is it that you always have the exact amount?”

“Well,” says the man. “I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared.”

“Wow!” said the waitress. “What did you wish for?”

“I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket.”

“Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what’s with the ostrich?”

“Well,” said the man. “I also asked for a chick with long legs.”

—–

 

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Humor #249

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing illegally into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and await death when all of a sudden Luis says………

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk.”

“Ees, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon.”

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, Double smoked bacon … Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

“Pepe, Pepe, wees saved! Ees a bacon tree!”

“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? Wees in the desert don’t forget.”

“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon… Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!”

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath….

“Pepe… Go back, man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”

“Luis, Luis MI amigo… What ees it? ”

“Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees….
Ees…..

Ees….

Ees….

Ees…

Ees….

Ees….. A ham bush….”
SORRY. I know there’s something wrong with me for postingA groanera groanerthis. I just couldn’t help it! The little voices made me do it !!! And I bet you tried to do the accent too!

Humor #248

The Workout

The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, I’ve devised the following:

Beat around the bush

Jump to conclusions

Climb the walls

Wade through the morning paper.

Drag my heels

Push my luck

Make mountains out of mole hills

Hit the nail on the head.

Bend over backwards

Jump on the band wagon

Run around in circles.

Toot my own horn

Pull out all the stops

Add fuel to the fire

Open a can of worms

Put my foot in my mouth

Start the ball rolling

Go over the edge.

Pick up the pieces.

Kneel in prayer

Bow my head in thanksgiving

Uplift my hands in praise

Hug someone and encourage them.

What a Workout!

Rest At Last.

 

humor #247

Political Correctness For Kids

Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage-restrictive.”

Kids don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”

You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”

No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.”

You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”

You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.”

It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “transmission of near-factual information.”

The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.”

Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”

You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.”

You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”

You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”

You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.

Humor #246

Top 10 Dog Pet Peeves About Humans

1. Blaming your gas on me … Not Funny.

2. Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog, you idiot.

3. Taking me for a walk and then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick balancing food on my nose. Stop it.

5. Yelling at me for rubbing myself on your carpet. Why did you buy carpet?

6. Getting upset when I sniff your guests. Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered the handshake thing yet.

7. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not home.

8. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip,” then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

9. Dog sweaters.

10. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throws. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

Humor #245

Colonoscopies are important to your health for early detection of possible problems. The early colon cancer is detected the better your survival chances. I got one last month and I urge you to get one if it has been quite a while or not at all.

But still we can find humor in it.

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during this exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

  1. “Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before!”
  1. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
  1. “Can you hear me NOW?”
  1. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
  1. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
  1. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
  1. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”
  1. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
  1. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!
  1. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
  1. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
  1. “God, Now I know why I am not gay.”

And the best one of all…

  1. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there.”

 

Humor #244

Brains of older people are slow because
they know so much.

The explanation. . . . .

People do not decline mentally with age. It just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, so too do humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested.

Researchers say this slowing down it is not the same as cognitive decline.

The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information. Over time, the brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names…

So please forward it to your friends. They maybe my friends too!