Humor #746

My family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks.  When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer.  Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc.  They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.

At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over.  My nine year old wanted to say the prayer.  It went like this:

“Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don’t like it.  We ask that You not let us choke on this food.”

—–

Five Steps to a Healthy Diet

The Federal Drug and Food Administration is planning to issue a guide for proper eating that advises you to:

A. List your ten favorite foods.

B. List your five favorite beverages.

C. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or little trees.

D. List water.

E. Avoid A & B; eat only C; drink only D.

—–

A man stepped onto the overnight train and told the conductor, “I need you to wake me up in Philadelphia. I’m a deep sleeper and can be ornery when I get up, but no matter what, I want you to help me make that stop. Here’s $100 to make sure.”

The conductor agreed. The man fell asleep, and when he awoke he heard the announcement that the train was approaching New York. Furious, he collared the conductor. “I gave you $100 to make sure I got off in Philadelphia, you worthless fool!”

“Wow,” another passenger said to his traveling companion. “Is that guy ever mad!”

“Yeah,” his companion replied. “But not half as mad as that guy they forced off the train in Philadelphia.”

—–

A teacher asked her class to write on “What’s the bravest thing your dad has done?”

A student wrote… “My dad married my mom.”

Humor #745

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

Turkey Day Humor

“The difference between chickens and turkeys is that chicken’s celebrate Thanksgiving!!”

———–

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

————

Thanksgiving day was approaching, and the family received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”

“Oh yeah?” her young grandson replied. “So why is their dad carrying that rifle?”

———–

What does a turkey say?

->”Gobble, gobble, gobble,” right?

Not always!

A jewelry-lovin’ turkey?

-> “Bauble bauble bauble”

A dyslexic turkey say?

-> “Boggle boggle boggle”

A turkey in the shoe repair shop say?

-> “Cobble cobble cobble”

A turkey with a sore leg say?

-> “Hobble hobble hobble.”

A football turkey say?

-> “Huddle, huddle, huddle”

A dieting turkey:

-> “Nibble, nibble nibble.”

A turkey who argues a lot:

-> “Squabble squabble squabble.”

What does Dr. Seuss’ turkey say?

-> “Tweedle beetle paddle battle puddle wobble hobble gobble.”

Then there was the dizzy Turkey who just went:

-> “Wobble wobble wobble!”

Humor #744

To save time for this department and yourself, please give your excuse by number. The list below covers most situations.

1. That’s the way we’ve always done it.

2. I didn’t know you were in a hurry for it.

3. That’s not in my department.

4. No one told me to go ahead.

5. I’m waiting for an OK.

6. How did I know this was different?

7. That is his job, not mine.

8. Wait till the boss comes back and ask him.

9. I forgot.

10. I didn’t think it was very important.

11. I’m so busy that I just can’t get around to it.

12. I thought I told you!

Humor #743

It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order.

As the harried-looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.

“They just don’t make these bags like they used to,” the clerk quipped to the customer. “That was supposed to happen in your driveway!”

—–

A Sunday School teacher asked her class, “Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?”

A small girl replied, “Aren’t those the sins we should have committed, but didn’t?”

—–

During a hectic night of mail processing at the post office, a number of letters fell off an elevated conveyor belt and scattered onto the floor. Before the area supervisor had a chance to pick them up, the facility manager, who had a reputation for being stern, came upon the scene.

“Why is this mail on the floor?” he demanded angrily.

Without hesitation the supervisor replied, “Gravity, sir.”

—–

So I’m heading up to my parents house driving like 90 mph when a lady cop pulls me over, comes up to my car and she’s like…

“Young man, speeding? I’ve been waiting for you all day.”

I look up to her and I say, “I’m so sorry I’m late officer, I got here as fast as I could…”

Humor #742

A woman was taking care of a neighbor’s little girl one morning. She arrived in time for breakfast and sat down at the table. “Mommy always makes me hot muffins for breakfast,” the girl said.

Eager to please, the woman went into the kitchen and prepared a tine of hot, fresh muffins.

“No thank you,” the girl said when they were brought to her.

The surprised woman replied, “I thought you said your mother always has muffins for breakfast?”

“She does, but I don’t eat them.”

—–

Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf. She designed exotic patterns with ease.

There was an occasion when we had lunch in an authentic Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the hand-written menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked the menu in her purse. Some months later I saw the result, a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front.

She received compliments galore until one cocktail party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant.

“I’m afraid to ask,” she said, “but tell me anyway.”

Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, “This is a cheap dish – but good.”

—–

During a revival meeting, an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed.

One man’s request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man’s ear, prayed for him and then asked him, “How’s your hearing now?”

He said, “I don’t know – it’s next Tuesday.”

—–

Susie: My husband is a great handyman. He can repair almost anything.

Jane: My mother always taught me to beware of the man that can fix everything. You’ll never get anything new.

Humor #741

PUNNY TWEETS (a repost from Oct 2014)

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn’t have much of a plot.

The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn’t resistor.

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I thought she had PMS, but she was just ovary acting.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.

Humor #740

“What’s that piece of cord tied around your finger for?”

“My wife put it there to remind me to take a letter to the Post Office.”

“And did you mail it?”

“No, she forgot to give me the letter.”

—–

Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, “I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?”

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, “I can make this putt.”

His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too.

—–

My drama queen teenage daughter was recounting to my seemingly uninterested husband what she deemed a near-death experience and concluded the story with, “And I think I saw my life flash before my eyes.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, my husband replied, “Wow! That must have been a sad short story.”

—–

Just helped my neighbor throw a rolled up carpet in the dumpster…

Her boyfriend would have helped but he is out of town.

Humor #739

My four-year-old likes to say the blessing at mealtimes, usually repeating the same short prayer: “Thank you, God, for this gracious food. Amen.”

One evening, however, he thanked the Lord for the birds, the trees, each of his friends, and asked God to watch over his family and help them to be good. I was thrilled that he was finally praying from the heart.

But after the “Amen,” he took a spoonful of stew, gasped, then dropped his spoon into the bowl. “I should have said a longer prayer,” he said. “My food is still too hot.”

—–

Scene: With a patient in doctor’s medical exam room

Doctor: How old are your kids?

Patient: 44 and 39 with my wife who passed away, and 15 and 13 with my second wife.

Doctor: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own.

—–

A young boy called the pastor of a local church and asked him to come by to pray for his mother, who was very ill with the flu.

The pastor knew the family and was aware they were members of another church down the road. So the pastor asked, “Shouldn’t you be asking Brother Simon at your church to come by to pray with your mom?”

The young boy replied, “Yeah, but we didn’t want to take the chance that he might catch whatever it is that Mom has.”

—–

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air, then opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”

“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!