Good-bye
It’s been a fun ride but it’s time to draw this blog to a close.
Thanks for the memories. I hope I brought a smile your way.
Blessings
Bob
Humor #834
Interview Excerpts
The following, allegedly, are actual post-interview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here:
1. “Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”
2. “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”
3. “A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”
4. “Applicant asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”
5. “Applicant announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve.”
6. “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”
7. “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”
8. “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”
9. “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”
10. “Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”
11. “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”
12. “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”
13. “A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?” I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any farther.”
Humor #833
Happy Thanksgiving!
Turkey humor
What does a turkey say?
->”Gobble, gobble, gobble,” right?
Not always!
A jewelry-lovin’ turkey?
-> “Bauble bauble bauble”
A dyslexic turkey say?
-> “Boggle boggle boggle”
A turkey in the shoe repair shop say?
-> “Cobble cobble cobble”
A turkey with a sore leg say?
-> “Hobble hobble hobble.”
A football turkey say?
-> “Huddle, huddle, huddle”
A dieting turkey:
-> “Nibble, nibble nibble.”
A turkey who argues a lot:
-> “Squabble squabble squabble.”
What does Dr. Seuss’ turkey say?
-> “Tweedle beetle paddle battle puddle wobble hobble gobble.”
Then there was the dizzy Turkey who just went:
-> “Wobble wobble wobble!”
Humor #832
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!
Turkey Day Humor
———–
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
————
Thanksgiving day was approaching, and the family received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”
“Oh yeah?” her young grandson replied. “So why is their dad carrying that rifle?”
Humor #831
Is it time for your medication or mine?
—–
The cleaning lady comes to the bank manager…
“Can you please give me the key of the safe vault?”
“What?! What for?”
“It’s always so time consuming to have to use my hairpin in order to clean it!”
—–
My wife said that my granddaughter has me wrapped around her little finger.
I said, “That’s not true. I said ‘no’ to her just yesterday.”
“What did she ask you?”
“She asked me if there was anything I wouldn’t give her.”
—–
Humor #830
While these results may seem rather trivial, their importance cannot be underestimated.
—–
There are three kinds of men in this world…
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
The rest get married and wonder what happened???
—–
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN…
They get really upset.
—–
Little Johnny was thrilled when his turn came to enter kindergarten. To make sure he had plenty of time to eat breakfast and get ready on the first day, his mother woke everybody up early — so early that it was still dark.
After looking outside Little Johnny went down the hall and found his mother dressing in the bedroom. He looked so troubled that his mother asked, “What’s wrong?” mustering as much cheerfulness into her voice as she could at that hour. “This is your big day!”
Little Johnny blurted, “You didn’t tell me I was going to night school.”
Humor #829
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse’s office.
When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. “Why are you dressed like that?” I asked her.
“I told my son,” she explained, “that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I’ve come to spend the day with him!”
—–
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.
Tired of it after several months, I said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.”
“Fair enough. From now on I’ll make my own,” he replied.
A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.
“We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,” he suggested.
I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waitress came to take our order.
My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Separate checks, please…”
—–
As he stood at the bar for the first time with his son the proud father said, “Now is as good of time to talk about some of the facts of life. Remember. a man that drinks beyond his capacity is no gentleman. To enjoy life you must observe a happy medium. Have a drink occasionally, but never, never, never get drunk.”
“Yes sir,” replied his dutiful son, “but how am I to know when I am drunk?”
“Well, you see those two men over there in the corner?” said the father. “If you were to see four men, you’d know you were drunk.”
“Dad, let me have the keys,” grinned the son. “There’s only one guy over there.”
—–
A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action.
A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, “Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year.”
His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, “That’s the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl, but I’ll take it!”
Humor #828
WHY IS THAT?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Humor #827
Senior Citizens — Too Old to Trick or Treat
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You keep knocking on your own front door.
9. You remove your false teeth to change your appearance.
8. You ask for soft, high fiber candy only.
7. Someone drops a candy bar in your bag and you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: “Great Boris Karloff Mask,” and you’re not wearing a mask.
5. The door opens, you yell “Trick or…” but you can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that doesn’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You keep having to go home to use the bathroom.
Humor #826
The only attitude I trust is skepticism.
—–
An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady.
He asked a nearby trainer, “What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?”
The trainer looked him up and down and said, “I would try the ATM in the lobby.
—–
Thoughts On Aging
– The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.
– You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.
– The cardiologist’s diet… if it tastes good, spit it out.
– You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
– When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
Bob Mac's Blog 